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July 2009 
Drop Everything
Posted on Jun 20th, 2009
by 
Spiritual Liberation
Spiritual Liberation
Today I meditated from when I awoke until 2pm. I was on a mission to drop everything, and I didn't care about eating or anything else until I did.
Well, I don't know if I did or not. I mean, I think I did, because I was not a body for a few hours, but I was still me when I came back from that place of transcendence. I somehow seem to be inescapable to myself...Go figure.
I decided today to go to church for the first time in 24 years. There is a Unity nearby - the one that started the Complaint Free World movement - and they have a Saturday service. I thought it might be helpful to hear other voices speak on God, to be more well-rounded.
I remember once, maybe 10 years ago, my husband said to me that he wanted me to get a life. He said he fell in love with me, not himself, so he wanted me to stop mirroring him, which he did not appreciate, and find me again.
It's always been too easy for me to trade myself for some perception of love, acceptance, and approval. It's how I prostitute myself. I make myself useful so I can be indespensible. I become more like those I want to be around, not only because maybe they are better than me and I can learn something, but also to flatter them so they will like me better, nevermind that my husband liked me less when I acted like him. Nevermind that it was no fun for either of us. Nevermind that I was not authentic.
So WHO AM I? That is what I'm trying to figure out. I can't define that. I am god. I am love. I am everything. I am nothing. And yet in my singular human form, I also have a personality, a set of aspects that are unique to me, that only I can bring to this world.
That is the girl I'm not sure I know anymore, if I ever did.
I think back and what stands out is my refusal to conform. Defiance. Maybe sometimes divine, to preserve my divinity, but probably mostly in ego.
What if my personality is just a mirror, and there is no real substance on its own?
I listened to several more sermons today online when I got home from church, and in one of them, the pastor said our personalities are scar tissue from our wounds. Like, if we weren't paid attention to, then we become outgoing to get people to look at us, and things like that.
So what if being like other people is my scar tissue? What if that was my learned saving grace to survive? What then?
My teacher gave a lecture last week about how the identity is the most difficult thing for the ego to let go of, and yet we must shed the identity to discover who we really are.
And last night I was writing an email to another mentor/teacher about this very thing, and I heard in my head very clearly, "Drop everything." Drop everything.
I am already what I am. What I must do is drop what I am not.
Access: PublicTagged with: god
I relate to what your saying here, I think it is great to be indescribable.
Being is an experience not a formula. :)
It is essential for me to have some alone time in my schedule to explore/enjoy who I am without all the mirror reflections. It helps me keep my center amidst the chaos.
You can not be anything other than what you are, you can only believe you are.
Yes! Yes! Yes!