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My Lies

Posted on Jun 2nd, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
Everything I tell myself is a story. Whether I feel I belong or don't belong, and all my supporting reasons and justifications - they are all just stories I tell myself to validate my emotions. Ergo ego. 

The Universe is double teaming me here. I've got a teacher telling me I am manipulating myself (and in those faulty beliefs, inadvertently manipulating others I interact with by believing my own stories), and then as soon as I am off that conversation, I pick up a book that is telling me basically the same thing by saying I can at any moment choose to BE my Christed Self, and in that very moment I can do it without waiting. It may not sound connected, but inside me it is. (unless that's another story...) 

I'm reading At Home with God in a Life that Never Ends by Neale Donald Walsch. It's the 10th Conversation with God. I read the first a few years ago, and now I'm reading the last. I haven't read any in the middle. Like the first one, I am not shocked by the concepts presented, but I am greatly enjoying the presentation of them. 

My session with my teacher yesterday was pretty incredible. I have a lot to look at and contemplate in regards to seeing myself with more clarity, to see the ways I tell myself stories. 

I think maybe stories are an emotional addiction. Without them, we risk discovering Who We Really Are.
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A Meaningful Life

Posted on Jun 13th, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
I decided I was going to write a book this weekend, so today I stared at a blank page all day, then took a nap. I dreamed about anger the whole time I slept, and yet I didn't want to wake up. 

I was at a program with my teacher last weekend, and we worked with the energy of ascension. My teacher said if we weren't certain of where we were going, that we'd better get sure real quick, because this energy would propel us in the direction of our focus. 

At that time, I knew for sure where I was headed. 
Ever since then, I've felt complete internal chaos. 

I'm in that middle place between walking by faith and knowing that God helps those who help themselves. I don't know what to do. Just BE, or take action? Do I give up my apartment and live in a motel with my kids to ensure my credit doesn't get trashed if I can't pay my rent, ensuring that we can live well in the future? Or have faith that the support will come and risk a credit collapse if it doesn't? The choices life offers are not always easy to make. 

I try not to think like this. I try not to focus on what I don't want. After all, I am a powerful creator. 

I really do think everything will be okay. In fact, I know everything will be okay no matter how it turns out. What I don't always know is what path to choose to make things easiest, what path will bring the least pain. 

Life is a paradox. Walk by faith. God helps those who help themselves. Both are wise. And maybe they are not so paradoxical...walk by faith does imply action, after all. 

I've been in this place before. I think perhaps I must keep repeating these dynamics until I get it 'right', until I make a different choice and experience myself as the powerful creator I am. I have created all the circumstances for each event in my life. I know very well how to create pain and chaos. This time I choose to create a life of joyous celebration. A meaningful life. An abundant life. 

Just you watch me. 
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missing my voice

Posted on Jun 14th, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
One of my students called me on the carpet tonight. She said she felt angry listening to me giving a presentation last week because I didn't sound like me, I sounded like my teacher. She wanted to know where my voice went. She said it was my voice, not my teacher's, who gave her the courage to leap into her own greatness, to have the courage to change and grow beyond her self-imposed limitation. And now where was I hiding? 

She said she'd been struggling with her self-esteem lately, and she wonders if it is because I have lost mine. 

Have I gone from being her cheerleader to holding her back with my own dysfunction? 

And where has my voice gone??? I don't know my own voice anymore. As you can all see, I hardly ever even write anymore because I have lost touch with what it is I have to say. I don't really talk on the phone with friends. I don't go to lunch or hang out with people. I avoid most group situations. I don't teach anymore. 

Where have I gone? What have I done with myself? Where did my confidence go? 

Am I going through a 'natural' phase on the spiritual path, or have I gone awry? 
I am completely without reference points here. 
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Drop Everything

Posted on Jun 20th, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
Today I meditated from when I awoke until 2pm. I was on a mission to drop everything, and I didn't care about eating or anything else until I did. 

Well, I don't know if I did or not. I mean, I think I did, because I was not a body for a few hours, but I was still me when I came back from that place of transcendence. I somehow seem to be inescapable to myself...Go figure.

I decided today to go to church for the first time in 24 years. There is a Unity nearby - the one that started the Complaint Free World movement - and they have a Saturday service. I thought it might be helpful to hear other voices speak on God, to be more well-rounded. 

I remember once, maybe 10 years ago, my husband said to me that he wanted me to get a life. He said he fell in love with me, not himself, so he wanted me to stop mirroring him, which he did not appreciate, and find me again. 

It's always been too easy for me to trade myself for some perception of love, acceptance, and approval. It's how I prostitute myself. I make myself useful so I can be indespensible. I become more like those I want to be around, not only because maybe they are better than me and I can learn something, but also to flatter them so they will like me better, nevermind that my husband liked me less when I acted like him. Nevermind that it was no fun for either of us. Nevermind that I was not authentic. 

So WHO AM I? That is what I'm trying to figure out. I can't define that. I am god. I am love. I am everything. I am nothing. And yet in my singular human form, I also have a personality, a set of aspects that are unique to me, that only I can bring to this world. 

That is the girl I'm not sure I know anymore, if I ever did. 

I think back and what stands out is my refusal to conform. Defiance. Maybe sometimes divine, to preserve my divinity, but probably mostly in ego. 

What if my personality is just a mirror, and there is no real substance on its own? 

I listened to several more sermons today online when I got home from church, and in one of them, the pastor said our personalities are scar tissue from our wounds. Like, if we weren't paid attention to, then we become outgoing to get people to look at us, and things like that. 

So what if being like other people is my scar tissue? What if that was my learned saving grace to survive? What then? 

My teacher gave a lecture last week about how the identity is the most difficult thing for the ego to let go of, and yet we must shed the identity to discover who we really are. 

And last night I was writing an email to another mentor/teacher about this very thing, and I heard in my head very clearly, "Drop everything." Drop everything. 

I am already what I am. What I must do is drop what I am not. 
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