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my teacher
July 2009 
cream rises
Posted on Apr 20th, 2009
by 
Spiritual Liberation
Spiritual Liberation
There is so much going on in my life. I keep coming here to write, but I delete it all because I don't know how to communicate what is happening with me without having it come across that I'm a victim or something. I'm not. I am definitely not. I know that this is a period of great growth for me, and I understand how incredibly grateful I will be for it. I don't know how it will serve me, but I know it will. Is. Is serving me.
Anyway...
I have my private practice, but it's been part time, and isn't enough to cover food and housing. At least right this moment. Soon, I hope. Very soon. It has to be soon, otehrwise in about 5 weeks I'm going to be up a creek without a paddle.
Anyway, all will be well. I'm not really worried (no point in worry). But what did have me beside myself today was that realization that I have nothing for my daughter.
I stopped at Target for milk and bread, and my son asked if we could get his sister a birthday present. Tears just started jumping out of my eyes before I could check myself, and then I could't stop. My son kept hugging and kissing me and telling me, "It's okay Mommy! It's okay! Let's just get her a pack of gum. She will like that!"
I never intended to be a single parent, let alone soley responsible. I have no problem with the responsibility or task, per se, just with my inability to provide at the moment.
I'm sure I'm lucky to have been able to have had 19 years of parenting experience before I came to this point, but I'm feeling inadequate as a parent right about now. We've been in dire straights before. In fact, we've been homeless. But I never had to bear the weight of responsibility without my partner to lean on and share the load with. One of us was always strong while the other had moments of weakness, and we would pull each other back up. Now I'm on my own. I have to pull myself up.
This is new for me.
Rest assured, I will rise to the occassion.
Access: Public
Thanks for not deleting this post. As someone who has been on my own with one child and in “dire straits,” I want to send you my prayers for abundance and strength. I hope money finds its way to you soon. Your love for your children shines through in your writing. You are their blessing and their blessed.
Otter, Thank you so much for your hartfelt comments. I always appreciate and treasure them.
Keep the faith-you are still supported in many ways-and before you know it -exactly what you need will arrive.
I'm glad you shared this here.
In my opinion it is not being a victim to share honestly from your emotions… and if you disconnect from your emotions-I have a feeling you then become the victim.
Just a thought
Katrina
Kati-hugs? Is that you?
Hi Shani,
Yes , I'm back in a very quiet way -but yes it is me…
I know you have been busy shifting and adjusting to new experiences-and I am here … shifting right along with you—-
Namaste
Kati-hugs
I knew I recognized your energy! :) Welcome home.
You and your children are truly in God's hands, which is why you have gone through such tremendous spiritual teachings up to now, as a preparation. Everything you've gained and learned on a spiritual level is nothing compared to actually dealing with what appears to be a dire reality.
Yes, there is pain and loss. Deal with it from the inside out. It's OK to feel – and then let go and let God.
Your children need you more than ever, and a birthday with true love is so much more important than a birthday with no love and gifts.
As you know, I've been single momming it with 5 – with no support from my ex, just a restraining order. God has kept us going strong, as has our love for one another.
Have you considered applying for Welfare? The food stamps and cash aid is really very helpful.
If you'd ever like to talk, let me know and I will give you my #.
All is well. You are beautiful. Embrace your new life, its new meaning and its new spiritual practical practice. xoxo