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Safety & Comfort

Posted on Apr 10th, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
I can't stop yearning to write, to be here, to blog here. This is a home for me, and I've missed it. And yet...

I've struggled some over the past months with privacy (or not), and safety (or not). Being on my own- No, let me stop there and rephrase...Some things have happened since being on my own that gave me pause. I had to stop and think about my current situation and if my level of safety has changed, or if my level of comfort has changed, neither, or both. 

I've considered making my blog private, but that didn't feel right at all. 
Not blogging hasn't felt good. I miss writing. 
I considered starting a new blog and being anonymous. 

In the end, though, I love this blog. I've put a lot of myself here in these hundreds of posts. I love sharing my experiences freely, never really knowing who might find their way here. 

I don't think I'm less safe now, but my perception of safety has changed a bit. 

My comfort level...now that is another story. Lots of people from my in-person life find their way here - students, relatives, teachers, friends, business associates. I'm feeling very vulnerable the past few months, and that is something I'm still contemplating- how vulnerable can I allow myself to be here right now?  

Anyway, I feel myself being drawn back. I'm longing to spend time in my blog home. 
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Tagged with: 2009

cream rises

Posted on Apr 20th, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
There is so much going on in my life. I keep coming here to write, but I delete it all because I don't know how to communicate what is happening with me without having it come across that I'm a victim or something. I'm not. I am definitely not. I know that this is a period of great growth for me, and I understand how incredibly grateful I will be for it. I don't know how it will serve me, but I know it will. Is. Is serving me. 

Anyway...

Today I realized that my daughter's birthday is this week. And I don't have anything for her. My (ex)husband (I don't know how to say that yet) lost his job and therefore I lost child support. All of it.  Yeah, you don't have to tell me it's illegal and all that. You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. There is no money for him to give right now. 

I have my private practice, but it's been part time, and isn't enough to cover food and housing. At least right this moment. Soon, I hope. Very soon. It has to be soon, otehrwise in about 5 weeks I'm going to be up a creek without a paddle. 

Anyway, all will be well. I'm not really worried (no point in worry). But what did have me beside myself today was that realization that I have nothing for my daughter. 

I stopped at Target for milk and bread, and my son asked if we could get his sister a birthday present. Tears just started jumping out of my eyes before I could check myself, and then I could't stop. My son kept hugging and kissing me and telling me, "It's okay Mommy! It's okay! Let's just get her a pack of gum. She will like that!" 

I never intended to be a single parent, let alone soley responsible. I have no problem with the responsibility or task, per se, just with my inability to provide at the moment. 

I'm sure I'm lucky to have been able to have had 19 years of parenting experience before I came to this point, but I'm feeling inadequate as a parent right about now. We've been in dire straights before. In fact, we've been homeless. But I never had to bear the weight of responsibility without my partner to lean on and share the load with. One of us was always strong while the other had moments of weakness, and we would pull each other back up. Now I'm on my own. I have to pull myself up.

This is new for me. 

Rest assured, I will rise to the occassion. 
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Voltage

Posted on Apr 23rd, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
Mmmm, I dreamed of Sai Maa this morning. 

I was in a basement. The phone rang, and my daughter brought it to me. 

I said, "Hello?"

And I heard, "Om Jai Jai Maa! Do you know who this is?" And I could hear/feel/see a huge  smile.

"It's my Maa?" I asked, knowing, delighted, smiling. 

"Yes! Are you ready?" Maa asked.

"Yes," I said without hesitation, not knowing consciously what I was ready for, but knowing things must change - and quickly!

"Good," Maa said.

And then a huge power generator activated before me, throwing sparks and arcs of light in a beautiful pattern. 

Then I awoke abruptly. I tried instantly to go back to sleep. I called to Maa, "But I'm not done, I want to spend more time with you!" 

Oh, it's been so long since I've been with Maa in my dreams. And much too long since I''ve been with her in person. I yearn to be in the presence of my teacher and his teacher. It is there I feel like I belong. 
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Tagged with: Sai Maa, dream

community cutlery

Posted on Apr 25th, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
Community and leadership have been on my mind lately. Maybe I should say in my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to be a leader. Ever since I was a small child, I longed for a sense of communtity I've never had. The only time that loneliness is satiated is when I am with my teacher, and when I can spend time with my teacher and his teacher, oh! That is like an incocculation. 

It's been a year, though, since I've been with them both, and that inocculation has worn off. For the first time in my life, when I was with them both, I felt like a link in a chain, part of something greater that myself. Part of something. Part of something that didn't hurt any more because they were there. 

I don't fit in most groups for long. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade what I have for anything else if I had to make a choice. 

I read a quote recently that said something like, "Leadership is lonely because you are out front all by yourself." 

Does it have to be the nature of leaders to be both loved and hated? MLK? Gandhi? Jesus? Obama? Bush? Why does it seem to be the nature of the ego to try to drag someone down to make oneself look better? And why does it hurt, even when it doesn't work? 

For me I think it's that little sparkle of hope I can (fortunately) never seem to extinguish that people will be virtuous and moral and kind and decent, that people will do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. 

I get the idea that some think that I have power because I am a leader. I don't want or need power, not that I have it to begin with. My tools are love and compassion, but sometimes when love comes up against ego, it makes a sore spot. 

I keep thinking that maybe someday betrayal will no longer sting, no longer hurt. But I guess if that were the case, then maybe I would have lost my humanity along the way, and that wouldn't be so good. 

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Tagged with: community, leadership, my teacher, Sai Maa

flying

Posted on Apr 29th, 2009 by Spiritual Liberation : adventurer Spiritual Liberation
This morning I dreamed I was with my teacher and several of his other students on an airplane. The lady driving the airplane wasn't paying much attention, and we were flying through freeway interchanges, just above the cars. The we went up through a bunch of electrical wires and went upside down. We rolled a couple of times, then we landed. 

Don't airplanes usually symboloize the spiritual journey? And since I wasn't flying the plane, does that symbolizes that I am a passenger on my journey? And what is with flying low and going up through the power lines? And then the acrobatics? 

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