Life is funny. Funny, funny, funny. It's beyond funny. It's freaking hilarious.

Do you know what I've discovered? I've discovered that when I am alone for 4 days, not only am I able to see myself so clearly that I break into fits of laughter upon an insight, but I talk to inanimate objects. Like my clothes. Or my toothbrush. "...Okay, are you ready? It's time for you to brush my teeth. You better do a good job and get them really clean or I might have to replace you!" Yeah, I'm sure my toothbrush is quivering with fear, lmao. At least it's happy talk.

This morning it was snowing when I got up. My first 7th floor snow with a wall of windows. So I was singing to the snow. Yeah, I made up a 7th floor snow song. And I sang it for a really long time.

I think I heard the houseplants and the chess pieces laughing at me.

Mostly I've been in silence. Not much music, and no tv.

Freaky thing happened the other day...my horoscope said that if a friend invited me to a comedy club, I should go because I needed the lift. That afternoon someone invited me to the Improv. Wow! How freaky and specific is that?!

So we went this evening. I've never been to a comedy club before, so it was a first for me. I learned that the drunken hecklers in the front get a pretty quick buzz-kill when the comedians tire of their antics and slam them. Yowza! [Note to self: Never be the drunken heckler in the front row. It's not as fun as you might think at first!] Hmm, shouldn't be a problem since I don't really drink.

So then this lady on my row stands up and yells, "Is there a doctor in the house?" and everyone kinda thinks she's heckling the comedian, but then she says a man has collapsed, and the comedian says she thinks this might be for real and is there a doctor.

A man in his 60's collapsed and fell off his chair unconscious and turned gray very quickly. His wife was in shock and on her way out with the paramedics, thanked the comedian and said how much they enjoyed the show and she was sorry for the interruption. I wanted to hug her. And I wanted to put my hands on her husband until help arrived, but instead I stayed in my seat and called on angels.

All things equal, spending one's final moments laughing seems like a pretty good way to go (if one's time is up anyway). 

I keep thinking about the wife and how, even if her husband lives, how her life and outlook might change. Will she live in fear and distrust of life, or deeper gratitude for it?

Something I've learned recently, and something my teacher has said to me a lot lately, is that you really don't know someone until they show you who they are when faced with hardship and difficulty.

Whatever the case for this woman and her husband, their lives just changed forever, and I wish for them grace and ease in their transitions.

I've had a really intense week. My stuff came up in a pretty big way last weekend. My safety issues got all triggered when this guy hit on me during a business meeting.

What makes people think I'm available just because I'm getting divorced? Single and avaialable are not synonyms. And who wants to go out with someone coming out of a 19 year marriage anyway? I would run the other way! Oh wait, I did. I have my own dysfunction to deal with right now. I don't need to be involved with someone who, knowing my situation, thinks I'm a good prospect for them. Yuckl! That doesn't even make sense to me. This is my time to figure out and see where I have been giving myself away, to see who I am, to fix me.

Then 2 days later, I let someone into my home who proceded to attempt to manipulate me in every way under the sun.

In both cases, I did not react in the moment, which is good becasue I stayed clam and clear and peaceful and unafraid, but I also did not repsond, which I don't know if that is good or not. Afterward is a different story. I was pretty angry with myself for not having boundaries, for not knowing how to assert boundaries, for keeping the peace when I should have kicked one in the nuts and thrown the other one out of my home.

I felt violated and it's my own damned fault.

Live and learn.

None of this is nearly the drama it may sound like. I'm just not used to feeling off center anymore, let alone several times in one week.

I know what is happening...energetically I am surpassing anything I have known before. With shedding circumstances that were no longer serving me, I can now take that next step to go higher and become more expanded, so I also have to look at (and clean up) deeper aspects of myself that I hadn't yet faced.

You know what? Being on my own makes it a little scarier to shout to the Universe, "Bring it on! Take your best shot!" I still do, but now I feel like I have to recover a little more fully in between times. There is no one here to help pick up the pieces if I fall apart.

I guess that means falling apart isn't an option. Or that I can break and that is okay too. I'm learning to just sit with it all, to just be without trying to run away or fix anything.

I don't know this world yet. No reference points. People I thought would be there for me dropped off the map, and people I never expected have become great supports for me when I need them (even if I think I don't). I'm learning.

It is so humbling to allow myself to be loved and nurtured (I'm the strong one, dang it!) without fighting it. That is a huge thing for me, big progress.