I can't even remember what I've shared and what I've not...I don't think I've said much about the current leg of my journey. And that's okay. Mostly I've simply allowed. I allow myself to cry. Allow myself to hope for a glorious future. Dream it up. Cry again that he will miss it. We will miss it. There is no more us, no more together (except that we are One). And that is okay too. Mostly I don't get lost in my feelings. I just allow them to come and go.

About 3 weeks in or so I did feel pretty lost for a couple of days. I fell apart in a big way. Maybe exploded or shattered would be better words to use. Shattered. Yes. I allowed. And for a minute I could not breathe. And then I hyperventilated. Then I could not breathe again. And so it went for an hour, two, or three with me not remembering how to breathe.

Every aspect of my life fell apart, and all I could do is watch it unravel. I came unhinged, and as I felt myself begin to spiral, my final thought before I let myself go completely and without resistance into the experience was, "Thank you God. Thank you, God. Thank you for showing me what I am not."

And then I lost my mind for awhile.

The thing that really tipped me over the edge as I suddenly became aware of the depth of this impact was that even my spiritual path, the time spent with my beloved teacher, my travels, my meditation, my work with people - it was a journey to discover me in hopes that it would make him happy, would make him like me, love me, adore me. That it would make us work. I couldn't fix him. I couldn't fix us. So I went about fixing me, thinking that I must be what's broken here.

When even my spirtual path was not mine, when even my work was not for me, I felt lost. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, nothing to grasp hold of to stop me from falling forever.

I didn't know what it meant. Is my teacher still my teacher? Is my path still my path? Will anything in my life even remotely resemble consistency through this, or am I divorcing everything?

Even a trip to Costco spun my head...I've gotten to know these cashiers over the past 6 years. I am friends with them, and I am leaving them too as I move on with my life.

There are so many details, things I never would have thought of. I didn't know I'd need to know how to undo, how to disassemble a life in such a literal way.

It's been interesting, to say the least. Mostly I've been letting everything fall away that wants to fall away. Now when I rebuild, my foundation will be stronger. I have the opportunity to move with awareness and create with conscious intention. No longer will I allow life to be something that just happens to me. Life may happen at times, but I don't have to ride that wave and be a victim of it.

In that moment when everything shattered, I saw my life as rubble. But each stick, each brick was now broken down to raw material that could be cleaned up and used to make something more suiting.

And I saw myself as a straw...my vibration could go however high it could go, and for now maybe I can't get quite that far until I rebuild a bit, but instead of being the straw, I am the glass the straw is in. I can hold exponentially more for my vessel having been shattered. And undoubtedly there is a greater vessel still to be discovered in me, and another and another.

This weekend my teacher took us through the process of manifesting, and did a deep energetic work with that. Then he asked us to share our visions. No one said anything. So then he asked who felt a little fear or discomfort at the thought of sharing their dream, and took us into an INCREDIBLE work on how our fears hold us back if we don't face them down.

I hadn't even realized I felt any fear until he mentioned it, and then the more he spoke, the more my fear revealed itself to me. Then I cried. I just threw a good old fashioned little tantrum inside myself, being so mad not that I had a fear, but that the fear was a feeling of responsibility for someone else's well-being who I cannot be responsible for. Oh God knows I've tried to be reaponsible for this person's happiness, but it has never ever done a bit of good, and in fact may have served to cripple that person from trying to be responsible for themselves.

So, I felt pretty demoralized to see this pattern still in me, and even worse, that if I didn't change it I would foul up my vision and not be able to create it.

And I was soooo very grateful to have been shown this flaw in me. If I can't see it, how can I change it???

Then a few hours later a really deep trigger was revealed to me regarding boundaries and manipulation and passive-aggressive behavior and why-oh-why do I still not know where my boundaries are with certain people, why do I feel a reaction in my body even if my emotions appear to be calm , why is it sooooo hard sometimes to just ignore the urge to respond?

I have not felt triggered like that in I don't know how long. I forgot the body could feel that way. I forgot the mind could be so quick to focus on something outside of me.

I did not respond to the stimulus even though it was really hard not to. I didn't want to engage and prove to that person that they still had my permission to manipulate or control me in any way. Then the next morning my teacher said during a lecture, "Once a moment passes, you can never get it back," and then I was soooo grateful I had not responded to what I felt triggered by. If I had, I could never undo it. I could never regain that moment and be in control of me rather than granting someone else permission in that moment to subortinate me.

WOW! And WHEW!

I've been on my own for a couple of weeks now. I live in my own place for the first time ever. I rented a loft downtown. I'm in the hub, the heart of the city. I have trains running just outside my window all the time (I love the sound) and I can see northward for miles.

 



I have concrete floors with yellow caution stripe paint still on them from 1934, when this was an industrial building.











I have 12 foot ceilings with exposed piping, and 19 inch thick brick walls. I put my vases and colored glass on top of my cabinets. It makes me smile everytime I walk into the room.








I can see the Missouri River from my wall of windows, and all the bridges that cross it nearby in both directions. At night the lights are beautiful. I put my desk next to the window so I could see out all the time as I work, and hung an OM chime in the window next to me so the sound of all creation can echo through my memory with each glance or breeze or ray of light that comes or goes.