I'm getting a divorce.

That is such a weird thing to say, to write. I've been married for 20 years coming up in May, and I've known my husband since I was 14 (that's 24 years). What is life without this relationship?

I'm about to find out.

I've had a few days when I felt like I was going to die, but those have really been the exception and not the rule. I am soooo glad I don't have to imagine going through this without the support of my spiritual teacher and my community.

My community...you know, I've never allowed myself to have one of those before this past year or so. Slowly, so very slowly, I have come to trust myself enough to open my heart to others, to know that I will be okay even if someone is unkind to me.

You know what I've found? I've discovered that there is an absolutely incredible community willing, able, and desiring to support me and be there for me. One very dear friend and several beloveds from my spiritual community have knit a ring of love and support around me.

I didn't know I had so much support, so many people who love me and care about me. Wow!
 
I am so very humbled.
I am so very blessed.

I went over to Office Max the other night to pick up some printing, and when I came out a minute later he sky was full of huge, swirling snowflakes. It was dark, and the golden-tone sodium vapor lights were on in the parking lot.

I stopped short coming out the door as my breath caught in my throat. I was in a snow globe. A real, live snow globe.

I stood there in the doorway for a full minute hardly breathing, in awe. In that short time everything turned white with a layer of big fluffy snow. Other customers started to come and go, so I ventured out into the falling snow, face raised to the sky. I walked slowly to my vehicle, giggling like a young child, delighting in my world. I stood next to my van with my arms out, turning around and around, catching the snow on my face and laughing, not caring who was looking.

It seemed an omen to me because snow globes always show happy scenes. Gloriously happy.

It felt like a new beginning, the start of something great.

Yesterday I got word that I am all set to move, approved for the small urban loft I wanted downtown. T-21 and counting. I get the keys in 3 weeks.

I am both happy and sad. I can't believe the number of days we have left as a family unit are numbered. I guess they always have been, but I never knew that number before.

How weird will it be when I know I am sleeping next to my husband for what may well be the last time?

Ooh, I can't go there. It's too much.

Everyone keeps telling me how great I look, how well I'm doing, and I AM doing well, it's true. But I am not thinking about what I am 'losing'. I'm not thinking about the dreams I had for us that will now not be. I keep focussing on the positive.

In 3 weeks I will have my very first place that I alone am responsibile for. I can decorate however I want to and I can listen to CD's of my teacher when I go to sleep. Yeah...you know what though? I don't know how I want to decorate. There is this whole aspect that is both exciting and scary, and that is that I don't know myself nearly as well as maybe I should in some ways. I get to define myself however I choose.

That is a lot of responsibility! :)

I'm gonna make it though. I am determined to fly. I cannot change the potential of what was, but I can work with what is. I choose not to linger in the past, nor even in the future. I am creating myself moment by moment, and if I come out looking like something Picasso painted, well, that's okay. I like Picasso.

I had an amazing weekend with my teacher (of course). It felt soooo good to go and be in that energy. It was a great reminder of where I've fallen from also, and where I wish to be.

I am aware that my vibration hasn't been as high the past few weeks as in the recent past - and most would say 'understandably so' considering the whole divorce thing - but I'm not going to let myself off the hook that easily. No excuses. Now that I am not only aware of, but realize I have the tools and power to change it, I must. There is no other acceptible option for me.