Do things ever get any easier? Why do I struggle? Struggle only makes difficulty more difficult. But then again, I'm supposed to take action to create my own future, right? But what if I don't know what action to take?

Like going to Vail - look at the lengths I went to to make that happen, because I thought I was not supposed to give up, and then the Universe gave me a great big smack-down.

When does one know the right thing to do, and the right timing to do it?

I feel so tired. I want to just crawl in bed and hide under the covers. I don't know what else to do. I want to know if this ever gets any easier, if the path ever gets any clearer, if I will ever know what it is I am to do or be. I feel like I am on someone else's timeline. I feel like a puppet sometimes.

Is there a way to know God without suffering?

Would I be happy with a simple life, or do I need the drama of ups and downs to make the ecstasy sweeter?

Does anyone know what they are supposed to be doing? Does anyone know what I'm supposed to be doing? Does it matter?

A couple of weeks ago I felt I had direction and purpose. Today I feel blind. I don't know what to do with myself. So many changes.

In my spiritual community, my team was saying that they were all watching me to see if I was going to make it in the super-high energy of the personal sessions. In 15 minutes, 3 of my very seasoned practitioners had to leave the energy to pass out or throw up or whatever, so then the rest were watching me to see what would happen. They said to me, "We knew if Shani couldn't do it, then there was no hope for the rest of us!" And we all laughed. It's true, I'm very strong in the energy because I've been training with my teacher for longer than most, but I am not impervious.

If they could see me now, I'm afraid they might think there is no hope. What kind of team leader or role model am I now?

I don't even know what's wrong with me. I am burning with energy. My hands got so hot during a session today that I was burning myself. I felt like fire was in my fingertips. And I know I am not alone. I can sense support with me like never before. So why do I feel so blah, so lost, so isolated?

None of the circumstances in my life make me want to quit or give up. I still wish to know God, to serve humanity, to reach my potential and then go beyond that. Take me there.

On the way home from the hospital a few weeks ago, when I left my husband there, I screamed to God at the top of my lungs all the way home. I demanded to be shown what I was supposed to be doing that I wasn't doing, and to be shown what I was doing that I shouldn't be doing. I demanded that God move me out of any stagnation that was preventing me from going where I needed to go and doing what I am here to do.

Clearly God is showing me what I asked to be shown, taking me where I asked to be taken. But I don't know how to decipher it. I don't know the language of God well enough to decipher what, if anything, I am to do now or next.

I feel that there is something significant just beyond my line of sight, but I don't know how to get to it. I don't feel any particular passion right now to do or be anything (except in bed, under the covers, hiding, sleeping, praying for guidance). I feel at loss for a project to do.

A project would be a distraction for me right now, so I can't have one. I am supposed to be looking within, not running away from myself.

I had a dream where I was shown that there is nothing to do. In my dream I was shown these incredible beings who just quietly move through life BEING, just radiating the love they are without expectation of any returns, without expectation that anyone will be affected, without knowledge even that they are profoundly affecting those around them.

Don't struggle. Just Be. Just Be. Just Be.

I'm watching as aspects of my life fall away, and I am to just Be.

I don't know how to do nothing, or if doing nothing is right or wrong.

Yesterday I was having a meltdown, and today I feel sooo good. Last night, after my family was all asleep, I cried for four hours solid. Then as suddenly as this spin out started last Saturday, it stopped at 3:09am last night. I went to sleep and dreamed that I was with my teacher and other beloveds all night, and as I woke up, I felt this intense energy buzzing through the body, and I got an image of myself as crispy, like blackened lava, but cracked, and with brilliant white-blue light bursting out from within me through the cracks. Illuminated from within.

Last night was very much like the time a year and a half ago when my teacher 'shattered' the illusion I was holding onto. But that time I wallowed in my spin out for weeks and months. I felt just as shattered last night, and as before, I thought hard about crying 'uncle', but shouted BRING IT ON instead. Again.

I felt broken, shattered, ready to jump off a cliff, and not in a good way.

I asked God for this. I got what I asked for, so I'm not about to give up. I asked to be shown where I still have work to do, where I am weak and have illusion. I asked to know who I am in a real and tangible way. Like a Leprechaun with a wish, God doesn't always answer our requests in the way we envision them, but there is always a valuable lesson in the way the answers come.

Tonight I was gifted that experience, a taste, at least, of who I am.

Do you suppose maybe it is the very nature of feeling broken, shattered, and ready to jump off a cliff that allows transformation to happen? Like, did I become humble for a moment in that broken state, and that is what allowed God access to my heart?

I had a session with my teacher yesterday, and right as we were getting ready to hang up, I burst into tears. I suddenly felt overwhelmingly hollow and lost. I think during my session he was helping to drive nails into my coffin, so to speak. He was striking one blow after another to show me where I was still identifying myself with roles I play - like 'mother'. Ooh, that one hurt.

So I started to sob suddenly as we were setting our next appointment. I said, "I just don't know anything anymore..." or something like that. He knew where I was speaking from and to what I was referring.

He softened for a moment, and I knew he knew right where I was. "Very good," he said with compassion, and he hung up.

Tonight we had a conference call. My teacher took me by the proverbial hand and introduced me to myself.

After he hung up, I sat with my eyes closed, energy so thick and pulsing through the physiology, and I focused on his words at the end of the call that I knew were for me (of course I felt that way about the whole call) - Focus on 'Who am I?'

I sat and focused, and after a minute or two, the mental body stopped trying to distract me, and I became I Am in a way I have never known before. Then my only thought was, "Oh! This is who I Am! I can't believe I could ever have forgotten this!" It was more familiar than being in my skin. It was more real than any pain or pleasure. I didn't struggle to find it, I just stopped resisting. I just stopped. I surrendered, but I wasn't surrendering. I simply focused on Who Am I? And I was shown.

It occurred to me how funny it is that I've been so rocked by the ups and downs of late. One moment I identify with the pain I feel, and the next I identify with the joy I feel. I must stop identifying with both/either and just be.

I am not the experiences I have, even when I experience myself as I Am.

Speaking of experiences, I had this experience last weekend that really hit me. I was walking through a crowd of people at a street fair, and I was looking at them all, and as I searched their faces, I saw so much suffering. I was only at this fair to pick up my husband and son from a demo they were doing, so I made my way quickly to where they were and I had my eyes open as wide as possible, trying not to let the tears spill over.

My husband saw me and immediately asked if I was okay. "I want to go home!" was all I could say. He asked if I meant home here in KC. It was in my heart to go home to God, to be where there is no suffering, but I said, "Home- California." Then I burst into tears. I went to the bathroom and sobbed for 10 minutes.

I think California felt safe in that moment because I was a different person there, less awake, less aware, less responsible in my ignorance. I was suffering there without knowing there was a way out, so I didn't see it with the same awareness in others. I was pre-occupied with myself, so my desire to go home to CA (where I've never actually desired to return) was really a desire to just not be aware of so much suffering.

The same awareness started to come today at a baseball game. My husband's dentist gave us tickets to see the Royals get whooped by the Indians. It's been 20+ years since I've been to a ball game. Last time was Dodger Stadium in L.A. in 1987 or so. Now it's like being inside of MTV or something. It's a total ADD experience. There is music and changing advertisements and huge TV screens with amazing flashy graphics, and fountains and waterfalls. It's an incredible experiment in over-stimulation.

Have you ever seen the movie Idiocracy by Mike Judge (Beevis and Butthead, King of the Hill)? Being at this ball game was JUST LIKE Idiocracy! The big TV told people when to clap and cheer, and otherwise, most people just sat stoically, drinking lots of beer to numb the pain.

Idiocracy is supposed to be the comedic (sort of) decline of the intelligence of humanity over 500 years, but I think we are frighteningly close already.

The first time I watched this movie, I just thought it was stupid, but I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I watched it again. There is sooooo much accurate social commentary hidden in this movie that it's not even funny, it's just scary.

So why does the singing of the National Anthem always make me cry? Applause at the end of a performance does the same thing. Why??? I'm not sure, but I feel that is it something about so many people being focused on one thing all together, and the power that is in that focus...If 20,000 people would take 2 minutes to focus on being love in the world together, what might happen? There is so much potential power for change there!

Today I feel like chopping wood and carrying water. I don't know what to do but live my life.

When I look up spiritual masters on YouTube, and I watch their videos from the 60's and 70's and so on, or when I read books of ancient teachings and I see that the messages then were identical to the messages now, it makes me wonder if what I'm doing with my life is going to make any difference to me or anyone else. If masters have been teaching these same teachings forever, what makes me have the audacity to hope that anyone will get it now? Why would I think that people will choose to stop suffering now if they know they have a choice? What makes me hope that people want peace instead of war, love rather than fear, joy instead of suffering? Haven't people had these opportunities forever already?

There is a Buddhist story where a student asks his master, "Master, before you became enlightened, what did you do?"
"Chopped wood, carried water," replied the master.
"Master, now that you are enlightened, what do you do?"
"Chop wood, carry water," replied the master.

I think I'm at a new level of having to make peace with the whole chopping wood and carrying water aspect of life. I am seeing that no matter how 'good'  I am, no matter how much I meditate or strive for perfection, no matter how great a servant I am to humanity, no matter how much I love God, that life still has it's ups and downs, and I still have to be able to function in that realm.

I wanted to clarify something from my last post. I re-read it and saw that some of what I said could be taken in a way that would seem to indicate huge arrogance on my part. So just incase anyone read it from that state of mind, I was not counting myself among the masters I spoke of, and when I said no matter how 'good' I am, etc., I meant me on my own small-self level, in a very base, child-like way.

I do desire to make a positive impact on humanity. It's not about me, rather it's a desire for humans to suffer less and experience more peace and fulfillment, to know Love. So no matter how much I do, I don't feel like it's enough (because people are still suffering), and yet I see, or at least experience, that I can only do what is before me to do. I have 2 hands and one heart.

I met a new hospice patient yesterday. She has no family. Her husband and her child preceded her in death. In my service to her I won't be touching a whole family. I won't be making a difference to a group of people. Just one. Quietly. That is all I have to give, and that is enough. To touch one heart, to ease the suffering of one being. That makes life worth living.

Despite my grandiose desires for a joyful humanity, my reach is small. I can only do what God places before me. If my own house is in order, then maybe I can serve my community. If my community is in order, then maybe I can serve my region. If my region is in order, then there is strength to serve my state. If my state is in order, then I can begin to serve my country. When my country is in order, then I can embrace the world.

My teacher has been speaking to me of foundations lately, of building a strong foundation on which to build.

Perhaps it's time to put the weight of the world down and focus on what I actually can affect. It's time for it to be enough that I am doing what I am capable of in this moment. Chop wood, carry water. I can't move a tree or an ocean, but I can carry a log and a bucket.

Is a life without suffering truly possible?
What about a life without pain?
Is a life of ecstasy realistic?
What about a life of simple joy?

Is the emotional tumult I've been experiencing still just deeper wells of the gack in me?
Am I flunking the test by feeling moved by it?

I have been able to hold a state of joyful being for months with only minor hiccups, reminding me to watch my center, or that I am or am not this or that. And then SMACK! I feel cought in a riptide, feeling like I am being pounded on rocky shores, or washed on a washboard. Up, breathe. Down and under, don't fight it - or fight and be lost. Up.

Why am I here?
Am I here to experience human frailty and free will in all its glory?
Or am I here to remember Who I Am?
Am I here simply for the sake of experience?
Or am I here for a purpose?
Is there a cycle to break, a karma to balance?
Is my soul really somewhere in a state of bliss playing a game like Monopoly or Life, and I am just the consciousness of that game even though I don't really exist?
Is life on Earth the ultimate experiment in Artificial Intelligence?
Who am I?
Who is the I that sees, hears, feels, thinks?
Who is the observer?

One teacher says chaos is unavoidable in life, but one must not allow it to shake them.
Another says we are at the dawn of a Golden Age and a life of ecstasy awaits.
Another being, thought to be a living Buddha at this time, says that betrayal still brings pain, that life still has its ups and downs, even when living in Buddhahood.
Another says they remain in ecstasy in the midst of betrayal.
A well known religous text says that suffering will be rewarded.
And on and on.

Where does Truth with a capital 'T' lie?
What is my potential on this planet?
Am I strong enough to find out the answer to that question?
Do I have, or will I find the strength and fortitude necessary to move forward fearlessly?

Does having questions serve any purpose, or am I creating confusion?
Am I to go out and find a purpose to serve, or am I to wait for purpose to seek me out?

This morning I dreamed that I had my teacher's teachings, and that I lent them to someone who needed them, and then felt afraid without them in my possession, afraid that I had been irresponsible with them. They were on CD's, and I left them with someone who is no longer involved in our community, though he is an old friend of mine. He picked the CD's up idlely, and I left without taking them back. I hadn't intended to give them, but I figured I could get them back whenever I needed them, and in the meantime, I hoped that he would use them and begin to remember himself spiritually.

When I left to go to my husband and children, I second guessed myself, that maybe I should not have left the CD's, maybe that was irresponsible of me because I had been entrusted with them, and said we had to go and recover the CD's.

So then we were in a car, my husband and 2 younger children and I, going back to retreive the teachings I had been too careless with (or had I? Was I just allowing fear to rule me at this point?), and we came upon an obstacle course like the one at my oldest daughter's college campus. The whole dream was on her campus, actually, even though she was not in the dream.

I tied a rope to my waist and climbed the obstacle course, bringing the car with my family up behind me, which seemed weightless, effortless. They just sat inside, staring straight ahead, almost as if they were frozen.

I got to the top of the course, but the remainder was lateral movements high above the ground, and there was junk in the way, like metal pails full of junk hanging in my way, and the space I had to get through was too small. I was afraid I would get stuck if I moved ahead. Claustrophobia has always been my thing, and though I haven't allowed it to move me in years, it was alive and well in this dream!

I went in feet first to my hips, then panicked. I was suddenly terrified of falling down, and became fully aware for the first time that my husband and younger children's lives were also in my hands. If I fell, they fell. And shouldn't I go in head first so I can see to maneuver? I thought of that, but it didn't seem like an option. If I stuck my head and shoulders in, I would be committed and unable to get out if I changed my mind, and yet I knew I had to pass through this obstacle to get to where I needed to go.

I was overwhelmed with the responsibility and the fear of failure, and I started sobbing, saying, "I can't do it! I want to go home!" My heart, my whole chest seemed to cave in on itself in grief. And I wished for my oldest daughter to be there because I knew she knew the secret for getting across the obstacle safely.

I think that is what woke me. When my daughter left for college, my teacher said I had to look at my foundation now because I had relied so much on my daughter. This dream really seemed to highlight that point.

I also saw the irony that I had been where I was going, and it had not been difficult to get there before, but a moment of fear created huge obstacles.

I'll have to keep thinking about this dream. I'm not sure I am aware yet of the fullness of the meaning.

I went back to sleep after I woke up, and the dream continued. I knew it was the same dream even though the circumstances had changed. In this one, my daughter was looking for an apartment. My husband was wearing a suit, and he told her about a great apartment he had seen that would be perfect for her. I asked him how he had come to be apartment hunting and he glared at me and said, "Drop it."

I paused for a moment and felt my choices. In my heart area I felt the fear of knowing, of acknowledging change and the potential for loneliness, and in my solar plexus I felt the fear of not knowing, of pretending that everything was alright when I knew it was not.

So I refused to drop it. I moved into the fear and faced it head on.

Then my phone rang and I woke up again.

Looks like maybe I have some issues around change, huh?

It has been on my mind lately that I have depended too heavily on my teacher in the past. Or maybe a better way to say this is that I needed to lean on him in the past, and I am feeling that now is the time for me to stop leaning so heavily.

It's not that I have stopped needing a teacher, but that it is time for me to discover who I am. It's no longer fair to my teacher for me to lean all the time. It's not fair that I have wanted no real responsibility in my decisions, that I have put off my unspoken dreams and allowed myself the 'safety' of riding someone else's coat-tails instead.

My internal guidance system has gone into red alert. It is time for me to do what I came here to do.

Mind you, I don't know exactly what that is, but sitting on my hands waiting for someone else to tell me my next move is and not taking responsibility for discovering it for myself just isn't right.

I've had this realization over the past couple of weeks, and it really jelled with me last week-is still jelling, forming, solidifying- and the really neat part is that as soon as I had the internal shift that I would do whatever it took to become a success, to take care of my family, to do whatever I came to this planet to do, I got 4 new clients in a couple of days. 

I didn't DO anything externally to get new clients. I changed internally, and the Universe responded to support me because I moved into it (the new mind-set that I am ready to succeed and move forward) unhesitatingly.

How cool is that?

Last night I couldn't sleep. I stayed up working on a financial plan to get out of debt in 5 years or less. My small credit debt is less than $4,000. I'm a cash girl. I don't do credit. That is what I always say, but then I charged a weeklong retreat and everything that went along with it...and then a little more, even though it went against my basic rules for life (thinking, of course that I'd pay it right off!). Other than that, our only credit is a car payment and mortgage.

If I pay the minimum payments, and apply another $800/month methodically toward one bill at a time, I can be completely debt free in 60 months or less (this includes paying off my car and house). Now I just have to become successful enough to have another $800 a month. No problem! :)

It's funny, I used to very successfully counsel people on how to get out of debt (without finding more money in their budget, just re-working the budget). I'd sit down with them and look at their bills, and help them formulate a plan to pay off their credit in just a few years. Most people don't think they can do it, but they can, and I show them how and why they will benefit by making the effort. I never charged for it. I just loved doing it. I love empowering people to grab their life by the horns and take charge! Somehow along the way I forgot to give myself that same permission.

I haven't had credit debt in over a decade until this spring, and it didn't really occur to me until last night that I could apply the same techniques to a 30-year mortgage and a car payment. Doi!

Most moms don't think they can afford to stay home with their children too, and that is also very rarely the case if there is a partner bringing in a paycheck. I guess I never really realized these 2 things I coached people on are very closely related (both being financial decisions).

Although I wouldn't encourage people to go quite this far, I was a stay-at-home mom to my first 2 children when my husband was making less than $8.00 and hour- and that was in Southern California, which is not cheap. That is less than 17k/yr. That was about 13 years ago, so I don't think it would even be possible now- and it was next to impossible then- but we were determined.

I am pretty fired up about getting out there and sharing what I have experience with.

I've been trying way too hard to figure out how to fit me into my teacher's view of the world, but I finally realized that I am not my teacher. I mean, I am, because we are all One, but in this human realm, we have different experiences, different strengths, different weaknesses. I need to play to my strengths, and at the same time dive into my weaknesses to create strengths of them. It's time for me to be me.

I've been trying in vain to figure out how to break into a white-collar world to get energy work to be taken seriously, and while that is still a goal and a dream I am working toward, right now I can use the skills I already have to work with women in abuse shelters, and women trying to escape prostitution, and people who are trying to figure out how to get out of debt, and so on.

I know that most of these people can't pay me for private work, so I don't know exactly how it all looks, but I know that these are communities I can serve with my own life experience, and they are also communities I feel passionate about serving.

I trust the Universe to support and guide me. Maybe I can get grants for teaching empowerment to small groups. Maybe I will build a substantial private practice that will allow me to simply volunteer my time with these other facilities.

You may be wondering now if I used to be a prostitute. The answer is no, but I grew up around prostitutes. In fact, one of them saved my life when I was a baby. She found me in the bottom of the pool and rescued me and took care of me. I am alive today because of a hooker.

And in another sense, can any of us say we've never prostituted ourselves in some way? I can't. I still find myself sometimes slipping into old dynamics of doing something in trade for being loved or accepted. It's not sexual, but it's still prostitution.

So, here's to my future, starting now. Yay! :)

I've been over here everyday to write a new post. Often I do, then I don't post. Or I stare blankly at the monitor, wondering if I will ever have anything to say again. I wonder why sometimes I feel such passion to write, and other times I can't put two words together without feeling that it is pointless. Or that I will have to eat those words all too soon, so maybe I should wait to write.

So that's my story. I'm not gone, just focusing on other things right now.

I had a dream that I was going on a journey by train (which always signifies death/transformation for me) to NYC, where I was to meet Sai Maa. I had suitcases with me, but they were empty. My girlfriend says that Sai Maa in my dreams represents a higher aspect of myself. My teacher gave me a great blessing and made sure I knew I was welcome to return, and wanted, but I didn't know if I'd be able to come back. I had to take the train because it was my destiny, and I didn't know if I could return, and I didn't know why I had to go.

I'm guessing I can never return to where I was, and that although it seems a little sad to me from this perspective, it is likely only that I will transform, so my return will be as another. I can never go back to being who I was, so I can never return as that person. 

In my dream, my teacher and I hugged for a long time, and he was pouring love and light into my being for my journey. He said I wasn't awesome yet, but he laughed, and when he pulled back, tears of love and compassion were rolling down his cheeks.

Is it for him, in this dream, like a parent sending their child off to college?

It felt like that for me in the dream, like I didn't really want to go- but didn't really not want to either, but I knew it was my destiny to go, and I knew things would never be the same.

I've been contemplating dependence lately, as in my dependence on my teacher. I asked myself, if, Heaven forbid, something happened to my teacher, could I- would I- carry on the teachings?

I felt a resounding yes echo through my being. I would do my best to honor and carry on the liberation from needless human suffering. All the work and effort we've put into building a foundation upon which to serve humanity...it would be a disresepct to allow the devotion of a lifetime (of all the lifetimes) to crumble away and mean nothing.

And then I asked myself, if, Heaven forbid, there was a betrayal, if my teacher broke my heart in a way that I could not see past, or I his, would I have the strength to continue on my spiritual path?

The answer in me was contraction, a closing feeling.

I knew in that moment that I have not been fully on my path, for if my relationship with God is so fully dependent on my relationship with another human being, then I could find myself in a lot of trouble. Hopefully not, but it is a stupid chance to take.

My teacher says all the time, "You are only as strong as your weakest point."

It seems ironic that in my relationship with God, my teacher is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. Strength because I can lean on him when I am weak, he reminds me that God and I are inseperable. He acts as the bridge between me and God when I have forgotten how to get there on my own. And my teacher is my weakness for the very same reasons - sometimes I lean on him, sometimes he has to remind me that I am not lost or alone, and sometimes I use him as that bridge when I am feeling weak and lost and alone.

What a conundrum.

So the question then is how do I build such strength within myself that I no longer need to lean, that I am no longer at risk of losing myself, without destroying that which I hold so dear (my relationship with my teacher)? And by that I mean how do I keep ego and arrogance in check while at the same time exerting a sense of inner strength and empowerment? I know that in my strength our relationship and bond will become even deeper and more fulfilling, but it is also in this moment that I have the ability to destroy it if I am not careful.

I know he does not want or require my dependence, and in fact, it has not been fair of me to have placed so much responsibility for myself on him.