Cardiac Event

Aug. 5, 2008 12:30AM
I spent all day today in the hostpital. My husband had chest pains this morning, so I took him to the ER, and after many hours they transfered him to a cardiac unit across town for observation and more testing (there were no beds available in the local hospital - a huge problem all over KC, and especially during this extended heat wave, I'm sure). I just left him there. He's there, not here.

He's going to be fine. But my husband is in a cardiac unit in a hospital across town. That is so weird.

I was fine all day. I held it together. I even talked with my teacher and didn't even come close to losing it. I know my husband is going to be alright It's just one of those things that I know, and I am also one to have nerves of steele during a crisis.

Then I left the hospital, left him laying there in this freaky, run-down urban facility where a guard has to buzz you in, even to the emergency room. And I started to drive home. And I lost it.

All the stress he has been dealing with at work, and the bills piling up, and supporting me on my path, and I just started sobbing and yelling to God, "What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing that you want me to do? I need guidance! I need help! I need help! I need help! Help me! Help me! Help! Help! Help!"

I am the first one to say that I don't know what will come of this. For all I know, this could lead to him finding his dream job, and/or that it was a 'test' to see if I still meant what I wrote yesterday, that I am ready to let go of everything. Maybe this is perfect. Indeed, undoubtedly this is perfect for some reason, on every level, and when I am centered, I know this is perfect and has reason, even if I can't see it yet.

But in that moment, I just felt overwhelmed with wanting to DO SOMETHING to help, to ease his stress. I know I'd do the right thing if the right thing is revealed. In that moment I had to question, "Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something differently? What is my lesson here?"

I have trusted God and trusted God and trusted God. I've been juggling the finances and making everything work, but now, in this moment that feels so crucial, it feels like I've dropped my juggling balls and my house of cards is coming down.

And yet I feel like my poise and clarity in this moment are key in determining my fate or direction. It is always just when it seems like you can't take one more step, that if you do, you can finally see over the top of the mountain (said to remind myself).

Something has got to change, but I also have to keep moving forward with great resolve, both to continue my spiritual path, and to trust God to open a door that will allow me to take some of the pressure off my husband.

It has always been my hope and dream to be successful enough at doing what I love that I could support my husband to retire very early and pursue his passions and just to spend life playing and having fun.

***Agust 5, 2008 7:20pm
Update: DH is finally home, is doing well, and is making plans on how to live his passion. :)