Today at Kung Fu, while we were closing out class, my sifu was giving the daily wisdom based on our black belt message of the week. The message of the week is something to the effect of, "A black belt student knows that adversity is a part of life, and he/she should be prepared for pain."

So Sifu was explaining what that means to us in our daily lives. She asked, "I mean, have you ever had a day when EVERYTHING just went right?" She was expecting the answer to be 'no', but I nodded 'yes'.

"In the last week?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. She high fived me and then asked again-
"NOTHING went wrong?"
"It's not a matter of things being perfect in how I would choose, but in how I yeild and flow and move with what is. If I don't resist anything or fight against it, then why would I feel anything went less than perfectly?" 
She said, "Oh, you mean like your attitude and how you respond to things can either create pain, or everything going alright?"

It is interesting to me how often there is just outright acceptance of the idea of pain and suffering being something we just have to live with and accept.

I mean, sure, we do live in human form, and certainly pain is part of the experience, but for the most part we can affect our level of suffering by choosing our attitude about things. It's like the old saying, Buddhist, I think, "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional."

I'm ready to do nothing, to be nothing, to let go of everything.

Or not, 'cause you know, when I wrote that, it scared the tar out of me. Suddenly I saw a life with no family, no husband, no children, and I wanted to erase it and hold on to what is [not] mine. The ego of me knows me well, knows which buttons to trigger in me to make me want to recant my words.

I erased the words at first, but despite my discomfort I wrote them again because I have learned that the Universe is not out to get me as I once felt, even if a seed of that fear still lingers and shows itself now and again. It's been a long time - I thought it was gone. Guess not, but I don't have to feed it.

More and more I feel like I am holding still and the world is spinning around me. There is nothing to do.

Not that I don't have anything to do - there are many things that fill my time - but in regards to my spiritual path, there is nothing to do. There is no past or future. I don't feel any need to know what lies before me.

Or not. Maybe that last sentence isn't true either. Maybe I have some fear or resistance regarding what lies before me. What if it's too big? What if it's too much responsibility? What if I'm not strong enough or not good enough? What if I'm not the right person?

What if right now is too big? What if I can't do it all? What if I can't bear the pain of the arrows in my back, or the ones aimed at my heart?

You know what I realized yesterday? I still project myself onto others, and it still hurts. See, I have these rose colored glasses. I think I was born with them. I see the best in people, and I tend to trust people to do the right thing, to behave as I would behave, morally speaking, with integrity, and when they don't, I feel shocked and disappointed because time and time again it does not occur to me to see anything less that the highest in people. Why do I not learn to be more cynical? I'd be disappointed much less often that way. But for some reason it seems to be my lot in life to never give up on people, to always return to that highest hope, to be loyal, to love, to care. Maybe too much, and for too long for my own good sometimes.

So what is my projection? That even if there is a misunderstanding or conflict or differing opinions, that people will give the benefit of the doubt, to try to look from all angles, and not jump directly into ego and 'me, me, me' mentality without first attempting to clarify and resolve. My projection is that people will not throw me under the bus to save their own ass or make themselves look better, but that they will take personal responsibility for their triggers and work through any issues with integrity.

Is it too much to hope for people to be decent?

It's not fair to say of humanity, I'm sure, but why do people so often suck? I don't understand humans. People want and expect loyalty and support, but they do not return it. I know that should not move me, because it's not about me, but I don't seem to have a balance point in regards to this. I either walk through life in this state of vulnerability like Mary Poppins or Gidget, or I become a recluse so I don't have to deal with people because I don't know how to turn off who I am without it killing me.

Why does it always hurt like it's the first time, no matter how often it happens? Am I so dense that even pain does not teach me to expect the worst and hope for the best? 

You know, in most cases, what people do doesn't bother me anymore. It is only when they get my teacher involved that I get bent. People love to email my teacher and try to 'knock me off my pedestal with him'  - and they CC it to me! They want me to know what they are up to! Or they hate mail me and CC it to my teacher. Either way.

Do people actually think they are going to earn points with my teacher if they can make me look bad? Golly gosh darn, with Shani out of the way we will be best friends! As if I control the horizontal and the vertical, and I'm keeping them away. People think I'm my teacher's gatekeeper and I won't let them in.

Have you ever worked with a master? Does it seem like they would be that easy to manipulate??? I don't think so!

I know my teacher knows me, knows who I am and how I function, so it doesn't bother me on that level. If ever there is question in his mind, he won't hesitate to ask me about it. So, what then, is the reason I get tweaked when they set this on my teacher's doorstep? I could say things that are very true, like when people hurt me, they are hurting my teacher, and that he give so selflessly and has to deal with this temper tantrum crap out of adults, and things like that, but both the soul and the ego in me also know that whenever someone thinks they hate me, my teacher makes me go fix it, go work with them, go be love. He asks me to be an example of love, and he won't let me hide myself away. He makes me stretch myself and grow and become more centered and grounded and unmovable. Unshakable.

I am not allowed to take the low road. Ever. This little blowing off steam ego tantrum freak out here is as close as I will get.

Sometimes I feel so lonely for someone to play with who won't judge me. I have those moments with my teacher, but we don't have so much time together. Just moments. Sometimes I wish that I could be his assistant and just stay in the shadows and go unnoticed, just fetch Fuji water and iron and take notes on projects. Just be behind the scenes, quietly supporting, invisible. Invisible. Invisible. Invisible.

But you know, on the other side of it all...I grow.

One of the nicest things my teacher has ever said about me in my presence came as a result of one of these times when someone wrote an un-love letter about me. He is not one to tell me I've done a good job, or pat me on the back for my hard work. He acknowledges screw ups, but good work, not so much.

On this one day, though, I got yelled at in front of the practitioner team I lead. And then Joey told everyone at the workshop that he yelled at me and what I'd done to deserve it. Many people were very triggered by this (he did that on purpose too, and then had me get up and speak on what I had gained from being yelled at). But what he said to them all in the midst of this was that he could yell at me because he knew where I was going. He told them I was very dedicated and that I travel with him wherever he goes, that I am always there and he knew I was not going to run away and disappear on him. And then he said to everyone, very sincerely, that now they all have a taste of what it is like to be Shani, and that if they think they ever want to get close to him they can expect the same. He said it is not easy, standing in the fire.

That keeps me going. I was seen- not by all the other people, I don't care about that, but by my teacher. He knows me, he sees me. For 2 1/2 years I'd served and traveled and been yelled at. My teacher didn't acknowledge anything I'd done unless I'd messed up, and as far as the other students went at the time, I felt like I had cooties or something.

About a year before what I described above, when I first went with my teacher to see one of his teachers, it was very humbling for me. In that setting, he was the one with cooties. It was hard for me to watch. It was so humbling to me that he brought me there, knowing I would see this, knowing people would trash him to me. I learned so much by his example of just rising above it. One man even yelled at my daughter, got right in her face and screamed at her when she said she was Joey's student. Many people volunteered unkind opinions to us of him. I was stunned. And then I got a little defiant, almost daring people to say something. At first people were asking what brought me to this teacher and I'd tell them my teacher, Joey brought me. After a few of those unkind reactions, I started introducing myself to people. "Hi, I'm Shani. I'm from Kansas City. I'm here with my teacher, Joey Klein. You know him? He's the guy that is always with so-and-so? Security, you know? Yeah, he's great. I've been studying with him for..." and I'd just launch in without leaving them room to react outwardly. I'd see their faces contort mildly as I started, but then as I spoke it would turn to curiosity. And then, inevitably my teacher would appear next to me as if by magic in a dining room full of hundreds of people, and I would introduce him.

Kill them with kindness, right? Just what he taught me. (Nobody messes with my teacher if I can help it!)

I think things have changed a lot for both of us. Either that or I just don't see it anymore. I've never heard another ill word spoken of my teacher there. I think it was some kind of weird ripple in the fabric of the Universe that time or something. A lesson just for me. Now people come up to me and ask, "You're Joey's student, right? Hi, I'm so and so. He is such an amazing person, isn't he?!" Yes, indeed he is. :)

Okay, so I think it' safe to say that I feel much better now and my pity party is over. I am ready to face the world again.

Whew! Yeah, I just got scared there for a minute.

Aug. 5, 2008 12:30AM
I spent all day today in the hostpital. My husband had chest pains this morning, so I took him to the ER, and after many hours they transfered him to a cardiac unit across town for observation and more testing (there were no beds available in the local hospital - a huge problem all over KC, and especially during this extended heat wave, I'm sure). I just left him there. He's there, not here.

He's going to be fine. But my husband is in a cardiac unit in a hospital across town. That is so weird.

I was fine all day. I held it together. I even talked with my teacher and didn't even come close to losing it. I know my husband is going to be alright It's just one of those things that I know, and I am also one to have nerves of steele during a crisis.

Then I left the hospital, left him laying there in this freaky, run-down urban facility where a guard has to buzz you in, even to the emergency room. And I started to drive home. And I lost it.

All the stress he has been dealing with at work, and the bills piling up, and supporting me on my path, and I just started sobbing and yelling to God, "What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing that you want me to do? I need guidance! I need help! I need help! I need help! Help me! Help me! Help! Help! Help!"

I am the first one to say that I don't know what will come of this. For all I know, this could lead to him finding his dream job, and/or that it was a 'test' to see if I still meant what I wrote yesterday, that I am ready to let go of everything. Maybe this is perfect. Indeed, undoubtedly this is perfect for some reason, on every level, and when I am centered, I know this is perfect and has reason, even if I can't see it yet.

But in that moment, I just felt overwhelmed with wanting to DO SOMETHING to help, to ease his stress. I know I'd do the right thing if the right thing is revealed. In that moment I had to question, "Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something differently? What is my lesson here?"

I have trusted God and trusted God and trusted God. I've been juggling the finances and making everything work, but now, in this moment that feels so crucial, it feels like I've dropped my juggling balls and my house of cards is coming down.

And yet I feel like my poise and clarity in this moment are key in determining my fate or direction. It is always just when it seems like you can't take one more step, that if you do, you can finally see over the top of the mountain (said to remind myself).

Something has got to change, but I also have to keep moving forward with great resolve, both to continue my spiritual path, and to trust God to open a door that will allow me to take some of the pressure off my husband.

It has always been my hope and dream to be successful enough at doing what I love that I could support my husband to retire very early and pursue his passions and just to spend life playing and having fun.

***Agust 5, 2008 7:20pm
Update: DH is finally home, is doing well, and is making plans on how to live his passion. :)

It was interesting to me last night...On the bi-weekly community conference call with my teacher, he said, "If you are on a true journey of transformation, the journey does not get easier." He spoke of how difficult the path can get and how we must persevere.

I felt like he was speaking directly to me even though I have not spoken with him about any of the trials I've been facing the past few weeks except my husband being in the hospital, and even that was only facts about my husband's condition, not about how I was or wasn't dealing with it (although I'm sure he knew).

It was interesting, because Joey said that all obstacles are put before us by our own higher selves to show us something within ourselves, or to teach us something we will need to know to move to the next level.

When I was following the ambulance containing my husband to the hospital downtown, I had been thinking and wondering what his soul had agreed to help me learn here, what my soul had brought me and why, and so then to have my teacher speak on the very same idea was pretty interesting. It felt like a confirmation that I am on the right track and that I should keep going. Persevere. It's not supposed to be easy, but you have to keep going. Ahhhhhh.

It felt like a huge sigh of relief.

So then last night I had a dream that all kinds of things were going 'wrong', from crashing my car to a band of assasins hunting me and trying to kill me, but I was calm and centered during all of it, amused even, and not the least bit afraid. At the end of the dream I finally got rid of a huge thing that has been a recurring dream theme, and I laughed and laughed. There was even a news report about my release in my dream!

I woke up, and somehow I felt that the dream was symbolic of me letting go of whatever I'd been holding onto that was causing my soul to bring me this batch of lessons. I felt really good.

Something else I find interesting is how the Universe or my higher self orchestrated my husband's temporary infirmity in such a way that I had to tell people (not something I would normally have done until after, if at all). Monday night was meditation group, so I had to call and let them know I wasn't coming and why, and Tuesday night was kung fu, and I had to call and let them know I wasn't coming and why. And I had to cancel some appointments. With each conversation, I tried to downplay and minimize it all, and yet everyone wanted to help, to be of service, to support and nurture. It was a beautiful thing.

After all the contemplating about going to see Sai Maa in October and then feeling like I really knew I was to go, and feeling more confident I'd made the best decision because of the message of my teacher's conference call last week, the other day in my personal session with my teacher, he asked me to consider if my life was in balance (financially) and to contemplate and know what my reasons are for going to Vail. He didn't ask me what my reasons were, though I did volunteer them. My teacher gave no reply but to repeat his initial request of me just to understand for myself.

I was a little shaken, to be honest (hmmm, off center again, huh? Might that have been the point? NEVER be off center!). Everything seems to be opposite lately in my life. One way, then another. I feel like a rag doll sometimes.

He won't tell me not to go or what he thinks of my decision or my reasons for going. Of course.

So I spent last night trying to see what he sees, trying to solve the riddle, trying to figure out why I feel like I disappointed him, looking at my reasons for going and trying to see if any of them are fear based. Do I think I will miss out on something?

The next morning I dreamed I was with Sai Maa in the old apartment I grew up in in Los Angeles. She was sleeping on a hospital bed with my 2 younger children, and I was snoozing in a chair with my feet on the bed, pressed against Maa's leg. We were also holding hands on one side.

In the dream I was dreaming of this turmoil I feel about this situation. I woke up and Maa's knee was bloody and cut very near where my foot was. Somehow I knew that I had hurt her with the turmoil I was feeling. I moved to take care of her, to clean and dress the wound, but when I got up, the blood was raspberry syrup from a broken bottle.

Time jumped and Maa and I were sitting outside, on the balcony that overlooks the trailer park next to the apartments. It was 3am, and the sky was amazingly clear and bright (clearly indicating that this was in fact dream Los Angeles, and not the real thing!). There were stars and constellations that we had never seen before, and I saw an energy activation from a star system go into Maa.

She began to cry, "Why, why?" She was sobbing and rocking and her speech slipped into a language unknown to me, but that I felt in my heart. I held her as she cried. I understood that the activation from the stars had simply loosened a grief that would pass now to make room for the new energies.

A short time later, there were 10 moons in the sky. I asked Maa if she saw them too, or if it was just my eyes. She giggled and said it must be my eyes, but I think she was playing with me.

I woke up and wanted to go back and spend more time there with Maa. We mostly didn't talk, but just spent time with one another. No words were needed.

I realized when I woke up just how much I was looking forward to seeing her again.

The next morning, Thursday, in real life, my husband lost his job. He was laid off. Not only will I not be going to Vail without a miracle, but I won't be traveling with my teacher for God knows how long.

After feeling very lost for awhile, I started to see the perfection in this and how this experience is part of my path, part of my growth, part of the way.

I am being forced to drop everything that I am not, to lose my identity. To be nothing.

I was meditating this morning, and in the back of my mind I had been distilling the feeling that I've had for the past few days that there is nothing for me to do, meaning that somehow my ability to serve is lost with my ability to travel, which makes no logical sense at all. 95% or more of what I do in my teacher's organization I do from home, or here in the KC area, and yet this feeling/thought has been very persistent.

So this irrational feeling came to the forefront of my consciousness again, and I began to attempt to reason with the unreasonable ego nature. I began to list the reasons why the thought/feeling was ridiculous.

As I began to dive deeper into this fear, I drew it out to levels beyond what I want to consider, like what if we become homeless again? What if I end up somewhere my teacher isn't? And if I'm homeless, I won't even be able to see clients, then I really won't have anything to do, any service to render, any value to offer the world in trade for my stay here...

I decided to go all the way and see how deep the well was.

Keep in mind that my fear is not of homelessness or losing my possessions; I was exploring that fear of not being able to serve (I can already hear people wondering if I'm not focused on the wrong aspect of my issues here).

I stirred up this fear, and then sat with it. I wondered, if I'm not able to serve, and I'm not able to attend workshops or otherwise see my teacher, then what will hold this relationship together?

Clearly, you can see by the question that I was seeing things from an un-enlightened aspect of myself. But anyway...

When I asked that question of myself, then I became aware of the Captain and Tennille singing in my head- Love! Love will keep us together... I will, I will, I will, I will Be there to share forever, Love will keep us together...Look in my heart and let love keep us together.

Oh. Yeah. Love. Haha. I forgot. Oops. :)

How could I forget? I felt so silly in that moment to have even entertained the thought that our relationship was based on my service. Of course it's not! Duh! I know better than that, so why did I go there? *sigh*

Then this evening my teacher called me and asked how am I. Although I had had this epiphany this morning, I was feeling tearful again by this evening, so I stuttered and stammered while I tried to figure out what he was asking - was he being casual and it was appropriate to just say 'fine', or did he really want to know? Finally, knowing that he would not have called, and certainly would not have asked if he didn't really want to know where my level of awareness was, I shared with him that although I had been feeling very good and strong through all the stuff that's been happening, I had an experience on Monday morning while I was meditating that kind of changed things. I felt this very powerful energy come in, and my whole body began to shake convulsively as the energy moved through me, lighting up whatever was in me. It was actually really kinda fun, but ever since then I have been crying. A lot. That light really stirred something in me.

I started to tell my teacher about my meditation this morning, the one I started this post with. I said something about the fear I had of not being able to serve, and then what if I became homeless again and could not serve at all?

Joey said that my focus need not be on service, but on building my foundation, that was all I needed to focus on right now. And then he said that I needed to stop thinking that homelessness was an option for me anymore, ever, at all, and that I needed to get out of that mentality completely. He said that many extraordinarily successful people were on the brink of homelessness and great catastrophe when they made it huge. He said it was because they looked at where they were heading and decided that that was not an option, and they made a leap toward their dream with the mentality that failure was not an option.

He didn't say it, but the point was loud and clear: I am to go there.

Wow. When we started this conversation I told him I felt like I was free-falling, and as we ended the conversation just a couple of minutes later, I felt this huge strength building up inside me. Now I feel like a steamship or a tugboat. Strong. Empowered. Unstoppable.

Yesterday I spent a beautiful day with my teacher. Oh my gosh, it felt so good! We gave personal sessions all afternoon. My session was phenominal. I felt incredibly relaxed, and the energy was amazing. I felt like my brain was spinning at times, like I was on a roller coaster. It was a good kind of spinning. Then, with fingertips putting energy in my forehead, I experienced this great merging with the energies of the Elohim. I could not stop myself from smiling. I had this sense that everything is right on track for me, that the Universe is working on my behalf, and that even I will be surprised by the outcome in the long term.

Later, there was a small group meeting with my teacher that ended up being in the top 5 profound conversations we've ever had. It cleared up so many things I'd felt confusion over.

Within minutes of leaving that huge vortex of energy around our conversation, I could no longer remember most of what was said, and I felt confused again, and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do.

On the way home last night I was telling my daughter about the conversation, and as I did, it began to come back to me. I realized that my teacher had acknowledged the work I was doing in a way I've never heard before, and many other things. Then I was asking myself what the hell I was confused about! We had a meeting of minds and hearts. He gifted me with what I've always wanted, gave me permission to express my work fully and without separation.

Then I thought about a dream a friend helped me to interpret recently. She said the dream was telling me that I was trying to solve new problems from an old way of looking at things, and it no longer works.

I went to sleep, and I dreamed that everywhere I went, I had to push around this sludge, some kind of bile and sewage. It was liquidy, and I had to corall it with a squeegee on a wooden handle (like a broom), and I could go nowhere without it. BUT, only because it was habit to take it with me. I could just drop the squeegee and walk away, but I hadn't. So I did.

I woke up laughing. I realized that although my teacher had cleared up almost everything I'd ever been confused about in one fantastic conversation, I was holding on to confusion as the filter I was looking through, and that is why I felt confused again afterward.

DUH!!! Oh my gosh, it feels so great to be able to choose with awareness how I view my world. I don't have to be confused. I can drop it.

Yes!!!

Oh, and to put icing on the cake, my husband starts a new job Monday morning. Yeah! Right now it's a 2 month contract. Cool beans! :)

Some pretty cool stuff has been going on the past few days.

I went to a new dentist to get some dental work done before our insurance ends. Right before my insurance changed a few weeks ago, the dentist I was seeing quoted $20,000 to fix my teeth. My new dentist looked in my mouth and said I had one cracked filling, but other than that I was the picture of perfect dental health. I just saved $20,000!!! How cool is that? :)

Then my hospice case worker called to tell me that both of my hospice patients - one of them 98 years of age - have been released from hospice because they have improved so much since being in the hospice program the past 6 months.

Today I took my baby girl to college. She lives somewhere else now. Tomorrow she won't be going to work with me at the studio, and Monday she won't be at meditation group. But she is where she belongs right now, and I am so happy for her!

We spent the day together on campus, putting her room together, and hanging out, and attending meetings. They had an inauguration ceremony for the incoming students. That was sweet, and fortunately the speakers were funny.

The only time I started to cry was in a parents only meeting, where the speaker opened with, "Your student is going to miss you. They will really miss you..." I felt the collective emotional body of the 500 parents and family members in the room begin to shake - or was it mine shaking everyone's? - and my eyes filled with tears. I called on all the forces of light I knew, and began repeating in my head, "I am strength, I am love, I am peace."

In the whole day I probably had three episodes of moving off center, but each lasted less than a minute before I was solid and centered again. Not too bad for such a (mostly former) crybaby as myself. :) I wasn't sure how I'd do today, but I think it went very well.

I didn't even cry when I left, when we said goodbye, see?:



Of course, she is only 20 minutes away, and she forgot a bunch of stuff, so I will see her again tomorrow (yay!). :)

The school doesn't want her to come home overnight for at least 6 weeks so the new students will have time to form bonds and all that. They've got tons of activities planned.

This incoming class of 2012 is the smartest entering class ever (in 168 years) with an average ACT score of nearly 26 points (national average is 19), and an incoming average GPA of something like 3.67.  I don't put a lot of stock into test scores, but I was impressed by how difficult the competition to get into this school must have been. It is a small school, accepting only about 250 each year. There were kids there from all over the USA, plus Nigeria, Korea, and Bolivia. How fortunate that we live 20 minutes away from this great school that teaches logic and thinking rather than test answers!

One of the speakers said that people are suspicious of curiosity, and so the USA is becoming an intellectual 3rd world country. She charged these students with the mission to turn it around, to proudly be 'nerds', even if they are athletes, to think, to go against the grain, to stand up and do something, to get ticked off and change things, to use their privileges to reach out and help others, to seek knowledge for the sake of knowledge, and not because it leads to a paycheck.

Another speaker urged them, in a society that expects nothing more of them that to be good consumers, to choose something different.

If I had to let my baby go, I'm glad to have such a wonderful and inspiring place for her to land.

Today was a little harder. I cried for a few minutes when we only set 4 places for dinner. Little adjustments I wasn't expecting hit me harder than the things I thought about and prepared for.