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compassion
July 2009 
Taming the Beast Within
Posted on Feb 25th, 2008
by 
Spiritual Liberation
Spiritual Liberation
So much has happened in the past week. I have learned so much about myself.
Somebody got in their ego stuff, blamed me for it, and sent me a nastygram last week. I wasn't upset by it because I knew there was nothing I could have done to either cause or prevent this person's outburst. But when I saw that she had cc'd this email to my teacher, that triggered me. I stopped and had to look at why that was. As I dug deeper and deeper, I saw that I still carried a seed of unworthiness that resonated fear in me that I would not be loved, that I would not be seen for who I really am, that one person's off the wall accusations could undo years of trust between my teacher and myself.
As soon as I recognized this I laughed and the fear vanished. I didn't need to carry that around with me! I know my teacher knows me, knows who I really am, and therefore I had no reason to be in fear. Even if what this person said was true (it wasn't), I would still be loved.
You know what? I couldn't even get upset with this person. I saw how perfect this lesson was for me. I once sent my teacher a nastygram that he didn't deserve, and I think I needed this experience to bring it full circle to help me have clarity. It brought me many lessons about the nature of unconditional love and compassion - and showed me a deep strength in myself that I wasn't sure existed. Until the moment I got this letter from this person who was obviously in great pain to have lashed out at me and accused me of the things she did, I didn't know my capacity for uninterrupted compassion. In fact, this same being had a problem at the hotel this weekend and ended up sleeping in my room after all this.
Another great irony is that on Friday I felt this energy come up in me that was very discordant. I was questioning everything and having quite a crisis of faith. I knew that this was being triggered in me so I could have the opportunity to wash it, to make different choices, but that didn't make me feel less icky in that moment.
My personal session was soooo powerful! My teacher cooked me good. He activated this heart energy that made me weep with this grace that felt like a deep cleaning of the soul.
Even so, that trigger I mentioned was trying real hard to bubble up. It finally did, and by the time I came home that night I was in quite a state. I felt exhausted and confused, and I was questioning everything I know to be true. In that moment I felt like I wanted to just quit life. Nothing made sense to me, and yet I could clearly see this was the ego. I have known for weeks that this intensive was going to be very transformational for me, so the ego was throwing a hissy fit to try to get me not to go.
I came home from the whole day with my teacher and was packing my suitcase and getting ready to collapse into bed when my cell phone rang. It was my teacher. I knew before I even answered it that he was calling to save me from myself. He was throwing me a line with a life-ring on it (God bless him!).
He said he wanted to go over some last minute details of the intensive with me. I asked what they were and he asked how I was. I said I was really tired and asked if there was anything I could do for him. He asked if I enjoyed my personal session. I said he got me good this time and he laughed. He just continued to flawlessly avoid going back to the topic that was his excuse for calling me and just talked with me (and worked in my energy) until I could not even remember what I could possibly have felt triggered about, at which point he promptly told me to go get some rest, goodnight.
I had to laugh at myself for all my doubt, for forgetting even for a moment who my teacher is and how well he knows me. I gave him no outward indication that I was having a hard time, but he knew anyway. He always knows, and I am so grateful that he will take the time to remind me when I am so close to the edge. Sometimes I have a fear that I am really all alone and on my own. I know he expects me to be very strong, and I have grown to be just that, but sometimes I still want to lean. Other times, like Friday night, I needed the support but didn't think I was allowed to need it, and then I was completely cradled and nurtured. That phone call was like I was a little baby who was being held gently and carassed on the head, soothed and lulled, completely safe in that love. He had such compassion for me when I needed it. He didn't coddle me, and he didn't acknowledge (until the next day) where I was. He just took care of me and made sure I was safe and sound. He didn't let me fall. He kept that promise he made so long ago.
Somebody got in their ego stuff, blamed me for it, and sent me a nastygram last week. I wasn't upset by it because I knew there was nothing I could have done to either cause or prevent this person's outburst. But when I saw that she had cc'd this email to my teacher, that triggered me. I stopped and had to look at why that was. As I dug deeper and deeper, I saw that I still carried a seed of unworthiness that resonated fear in me that I would not be loved, that I would not be seen for who I really am, that one person's off the wall accusations could undo years of trust between my teacher and myself.
As soon as I recognized this I laughed and the fear vanished. I didn't need to carry that around with me! I know my teacher knows me, knows who I really am, and therefore I had no reason to be in fear. Even if what this person said was true (it wasn't), I would still be loved.
You know what? I couldn't even get upset with this person. I saw how perfect this lesson was for me. I once sent my teacher a nastygram that he didn't deserve, and I think I needed this experience to bring it full circle to help me have clarity. It brought me many lessons about the nature of unconditional love and compassion - and showed me a deep strength in myself that I wasn't sure existed. Until the moment I got this letter from this person who was obviously in great pain to have lashed out at me and accused me of the things she did, I didn't know my capacity for uninterrupted compassion. In fact, this same being had a problem at the hotel this weekend and ended up sleeping in my room after all this.
Another great irony is that on Friday I felt this energy come up in me that was very discordant. I was questioning everything and having quite a crisis of faith. I knew that this was being triggered in me so I could have the opportunity to wash it, to make different choices, but that didn't make me feel less icky in that moment.
My personal session was soooo powerful! My teacher cooked me good. He activated this heart energy that made me weep with this grace that felt like a deep cleaning of the soul.
Even so, that trigger I mentioned was trying real hard to bubble up. It finally did, and by the time I came home that night I was in quite a state. I felt exhausted and confused, and I was questioning everything I know to be true. In that moment I felt like I wanted to just quit life. Nothing made sense to me, and yet I could clearly see this was the ego. I have known for weeks that this intensive was going to be very transformational for me, so the ego was throwing a hissy fit to try to get me not to go.
I came home from the whole day with my teacher and was packing my suitcase and getting ready to collapse into bed when my cell phone rang. It was my teacher. I knew before I even answered it that he was calling to save me from myself. He was throwing me a line with a life-ring on it (God bless him!).
He said he wanted to go over some last minute details of the intensive with me. I asked what they were and he asked how I was. I said I was really tired and asked if there was anything I could do for him. He asked if I enjoyed my personal session. I said he got me good this time and he laughed. He just continued to flawlessly avoid going back to the topic that was his excuse for calling me and just talked with me (and worked in my energy) until I could not even remember what I could possibly have felt triggered about, at which point he promptly told me to go get some rest, goodnight.
I had to laugh at myself for all my doubt, for forgetting even for a moment who my teacher is and how well he knows me. I gave him no outward indication that I was having a hard time, but he knew anyway. He always knows, and I am so grateful that he will take the time to remind me when I am so close to the edge. Sometimes I have a fear that I am really all alone and on my own. I know he expects me to be very strong, and I have grown to be just that, but sometimes I still want to lean. Other times, like Friday night, I needed the support but didn't think I was allowed to need it, and then I was completely cradled and nurtured. That phone call was like I was a little baby who was being held gently and carassed on the head, soothed and lulled, completely safe in that love. He had such compassion for me when I needed it. He didn't coddle me, and he didn't acknowledge (until the next day) where I was. He just took care of me and made sure I was safe and sound. He didn't let me fall. He kept that promise he made so long ago.
Access: Public
You are very blessed to have a teacher like him in your life. I couldn't even bring myself to attend another intensive with him because of something that happened during the Wichita intensive,but I can see that he's helped you tremendously.
I am incredibly blessed, you are right about that.
If you have some issue with my teacher or anything you perceive he has said/done, perhaps you should address that with him directly. I do not feel it appropriate to cast doubt on him like that in this public forum without at the very least giving him the benefit of speaking with him about your concerns first. You have every right to feel however you feel, and you even have the right to say whatever you wish to say wherever you wish to say it, short of slander and defamation of character, but I respectfully ask that any comments you leave on my blog be about me and my journey, not about my teacher or what you think of him. I don't feel that is fair to him.
If something sounds to you like I am questioning, that is only about me and my inner journey. Whenever I get triggered by something my teachers say or do, I look very hard within to see what is resonating in me that I do not wish to look at. I have found that it is NEVER about my teachers (teachers meaning masters, not just one who teaches). I can always find the root of some fear or faulty belief or paradigm or ego within myself, and when I have trouble with that on my own, I go to my teacher and ask for clarification. That is what makes him my teacher. :) And that is what shows me humility as well. I do not know everything, and my perceptions are not always accurate, nor am I always well informed when interpreting a situation.
I can tell you that if my teacher was not in alignment, if he was not functioning from a high state of integrity I would be the first person to walk away, and you can put money on that.
Love and blessings to you.
“I felt this energy come up in me that was very discordant. I was questioning everything and having quite a crisis of faith. I knew that this was being triggered in me so I could have the opportunity to wash it, to make different choices, but that didn't make me feel less icky in that moment.”
“…this heart energy that made me weep with this grace that felt like a deep cleaning of the soul.”
I can relate and am so thankful for that which transforms discord to harmony. I never thought of that discordant feeling as an opportunity to make different choices, but now that you say that…it is so true, isn't it? I will view my next discordant feeling as such and that will help the transformation occur even more readily. Thank you :)
That's beautiful…thank's for sharing this :)
Elizabeth,
When speaking with my teacher about how I am, I used to say I was facing this challenge or that. He taught me to say/think/feel 'opportunity' instead of challenge, because each challenge is simply an opportunity to make a different choice than I've made in the past. It is the Universe giving me another chance to learn from whatever dynamic is at play rather than playing the same tape over and over and then wondering why nothing ever changes.
I used to roll my eyes at him, because by being challenged, the issue in question was clearly not my fault (haha!). But when it became an opportunity, I had to begin to take responsibility for the state of my life. I didn't care for that so much at first, but when I *got it* (finally), I began to relish every opportunity to dive into myself and shift and grow and become and take responsibility for my own joy - and pain.
Much love! :)
Soul,
Thanks for stopping by. I love to see your beautiful smile.
~xoxoxo~
Sorry if my previous message triggered something for you. I do not feel that what I said was inappropriate. I just mentioned matter of factly that I hadn't attended another intensive since the one in Wichita. If I didn't feel that he was a good teacher I wouldn't have even mentioned that you were blessed.