Somehow in the past month, all my clothes shrank. I don't know how it happened. It's a fluke or something. Maybe it's a conspiracy, or some weird fabric virus. Is this happening to anyone else?

Not. Good.

Had a dream this morning that my basement garage was open to the world, as well as the door into the house, and it was full of garbage and junk. In fact, the garbage and junk was spilling out all over the driveway and yard, and the dog was romping through it like a giant puppy (he was so cute, but I was still mortified).

Despite the fact that my garage is in fact a big mess (hubs hobby stuff, and general chaos, but we are cleaning it out to set up a home gym), I think it was symbolic for junk in my own mental/emotional egoic basement. I didn't care for the way it was all exposed and that other people had to look at it. I took that as kind of a warning to take care with my 'junk' and not get it all over everything and make a mess.

I woke up and meditated on the dream. I invoked the violet consuming flame to clean out that garage until it was shiny and golden, like a Mr. Clean commercial. Ding!

I felt kind of weird all morning about the dream though. I kind of had this giving up feeling, like I will never get it right. And that, of course, made me realize that somewhere along the way I reverted back to the concept that there is some point of arrival. *sigh*

So I give up. I surrender. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go. I will clean out this basement or this garage, and there will just be another and another, and I will clean those out as they come too, and I will never get anywhere, because there is nowhere to go, and I will always be right where I am.

I felt such a sense of peace in letting myself off the hook for perfection and arrival.

Then at meditation group this evening, when we meditated to a CD of Joey's, I felt like I was going to burst open or something. So much energy was running through me. I think it was from that surrender. I had no expectations.

My teacher told me a month ago to not do anything right now. He said I had knowledge and wisdom, but that knowledge and wisdom needed maturity to become a force of nature. He said if I act now, I may acheive great success, but will not likely move into that spiritually mature place. So back to waiting, waiting, waiting. Not teaching. Not writing. Not planning. Just waiting.

Not just waiting either.  Deeper layers of stuff and some things I'd been afraid to face have come up for me now. Things I have to deal with to reach maturity. I'm learning how to Be.

I hope maturity isn't overrated. It's taking a long time.

Are we almost there yet?

:::Bouncing around and doing a happy dance:::
I'm going to see my teacher! I'm going to see my teacher!

Early Saturday morning I'm flying out to Denver for an intensive with my teacher. Coming back late Sunday night. I don't know why, but I am unusually excited about going. Actually, I used to always feel this way, then I went through a period of feeling a bit dampened, like I was looking forward to it but not quite feeling this BWAAAAA about it. Not coincidentally that period coincided with lots of ego. Ha.

I had lunch with a dear friend today. We have a regular date every other week, otherwise we both get busy and forget to make time to spend together. Beth is wicked cool. I can tell her anything, and she gets it. I don't know if she knows it, but she really helps me pull my head out of my ass sometimes (like today). Today I was feeling short-sighted for a minute, and now I'm not. Hooray!

Had a conference call with my teacher tonight. It was funny because I spent all afternoon with a client, teaching her how to use the Violet Flame and Grace energy to transform her life, and then the conference call was about the same thing- and my client was on it. I wonder if she thinks I'm magical? hahaha Of course she does! ;)

Okay, if it's not obvious, I'm feeling pretty goofy. Gotta admit, though, that is a pretty fun little 'coincidence'. I love how the Universe works.

Speaking of Violet Flame energy...Sai Maa's website store is having a huge sale, and this incredibly awesome Ultimate Healing cd set is on sale for half price ($54, reg $108). Okay, I will admit that I have desired to hear this work for a long time, ever since the set came out, but had lots of excuses why I couldn't swing $108 for it, so I jumped on it with both feet the day it went on sale (never thought it would go on sale). Wow, it is soooo worth $108! Why didn't I get it sooner?

Of course I already had the original Power of the Violet Cosmic Flame cd (on sale for $15.40 through 12/15), which clears and transmutes low vibration energy, but as a practitioner, I sooooo should have owned the Ultimate Healing set sooner. Fantastic stuff! Sai Maa should really come kick my butt for this breach (any excuse to see her!). :)

So I've been on this HGTV kick. Yeah, I know, I don't watch TV. Just call me a rebel. I've been watching the home improvement shows on the Home and Garden Network. OMG, I am so motivated! I got up in the middle of the night last night and rearranged my living room furniture to make the fireplace the center of attention (we don't have tv in the living room). Actually, we had this enormous monolith in the living room, this old, old, old bigscreen in a huge wooden box that someone couldn't take when they were moving. I cheered the day it died, but it sat for 11 months in the front room because it weighed like 500 pounds (not kidding). So the other night my hubs and I took a hammer to it and tore it into little parts and got it out, opening huge floorspace. Yeah! Now I've created a cozy nest around the fireplace.

I'm gonna paint the walls and refinish the woodwork. I cleaned the carpet last night, so when I got up in the middle of the night to move furniture, I was on cold, wet carpet. I didn't care. I was on a roll. Looks good too! I'm happy with the arrangement.

Okee dokee, I'm babbling, so I'm gonna stop now. (You're welcome!)

There is something unfolding in my heart that is just...wow.

I know I've been eerily silent here. Perhaps you were wondering if I fell into a hole. Nah. I've felt like any attempt to assign words to the experience I'm having will only serve to limit the bigness of it, or bring it down to a human level of understanding. It is beyond that exponentially.

The intensive with my teacher in Denver was in-freaking-credible.

During my personal session, something happened in my heart...this electricity, this pounding and squeezing and breathless ecstasy. Do you remember having crushes when you were in junior high? Do you remember how everything about the other was perfect and nothing needed to make any sense? Do you remember that squeezy, excited, breath catching in the throat kind of heartgasm you'd experience when you caught a glimpse or even just had a thought about your crush? Now imagine that times 100, and we might be getting close to what I experienced in my session.

The other practitoners were like, 'Yeah, I'll have what she's having.'

After that, we went back in the hall for an evening meditation. I went sooo somewhere...and nowhere. I was there, but I was everywhere. I was in the room, but I was unlimited and uncontained. At the end of the meditation, Joey asked the practitioners to meet Shani for training, and when when he said my name- somehow that caused a reaction in the body to suck air in as if I had just come back to life from being dead for awhile. I think it was the sound of my soul rushing back into the body. :) It was kind of funny and kind of startling.

So, yeah, I had a great time.

A funny thing happened in Denver...There were 2 therapists at the intensive, and my teacher gave a long (and excellent) discourse on the emotional body based on questions they had asked. Just as he gets to the pinnacle of the message, just as he is about to hand them diamonds they can use with their clients, they both get up and head to the bathroom.

I think my jaw hit the floor when my mouth fell open.

I asked my teacher later if he was frustrated by this turn of events. He said no, that he was used to it because people always leave right when the ego needs to hear the most important thing, but, he said, "Maybe YOU are frustrated."

I denied it of course, true to form. I don't know why I bother anymore (to deny).

So the next day my teacher is speaking again, and he tells this story I've heard many times and have absolutely always loved to hear because it reminds me of me and my teacher. My teacher is a great story teller (pardon my slaughtering of the story...).

The Buddha is giving blessings, and there is a very long line of people waiting to approach him. One man is really irate and upset by the Buddha. He's just all in his stuff, but he decides to stand in line so he can tell the Buddha what he thinks of him and whatnot.

When the angry man finally stands before the Buddha he is so upset that he cannot even utter a word, so he spits in the Buddha's face.

The Buddha's top disciple is next to him, and lunges for the spitting man, enraged at the disrespect, but the Buddha puts a hand up and stops him as he begins to laugh. Buddha laughs and laughs, as he wipes his face. The disciple pleads to be allowed to defend his master's honor, but the Buddha just shakes his head as he laughs.

The angry man is beside himself at the Buddha's reaction and stomps away. But as he leaves, he softens, and suddenly feels very ashamed that he spit in this nice man's face. This man had done nothing but offer his blessings, and he didn't even know why he had gotten so mad. So he gets back in line to apologize.

As he approaches the Buddha once more, he falls to his knees and begs forgiveness. The Buddha says, "I cannot forgive you. You see, I wasn't sure if there was still a seed of anger in me, so I asked for an unmistakeable sign so I would know one way or another. When you spit in my face you gave me a great gift. Now I know there is no anger left in me, therefore I cannot forgive you because there is nothing to forgive." He pauses, then, "But if you wish, you may ask my disciple for forgiveness."


Okay, so I always loved that story because I soooo strongly identified with Buddha's disciple. I was right there with him wanting to kick some butt. But this time when my teacher told the story (it's been a couple of years since I heard it), I realized I no longer related to the disciple's anger. Maybe a twinge, but only a little thing. I wasn't even sure what to make of it other than that I noticed a difference in my own response to the story. Still love the story though!

So then my teacher starts talking about triggers, and one of the examples he used was that the night before, one of his students had thought he was frustrated. He relates the story anonymously (as I smirk, trying hard not to giggle). He says, "It's okay. They will know soon enough that they were the one who was frustrated."

The giggles died a quick death as I move into contemplation, looking for the frustration in me.

My teacher wraps it up and looks at me and grins and shakes his head, holding my gaze.

I realized he was right (again). *I* was the one frustrated that the other 2 stepped out and missed the jewels of wisdom being offered. I was the one who felt they'd wasted his time. "What can I say?" I asked him as he continued to look at me. "I'm still Buddha's disciple!" And we both cracked up laughing.

It was a great way to end our weekend together. Very sweet.

There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. I want to explore my world. I've been exploring my inner world for a few years, and now in addition to that I am beginning to explore my outer world as well. But I want to go further now, beyond vegan vs vegetarian (you know, the truth is that I really like eggs and cheese and I really don't like milk) or judgementally sober vs tossing back a hard lemonade every now and then (which, as it turns out, I also enjoy).

I've taken little steps and now I'm ready to venture a little further out of my small world. What's in Omaha? Chicago? Toronto? Baja? Right now it's enough to imagine exploring my continent. Soon enough I'll be exploring some of the other 6 of them.

I can imagine waking up in the morning, hopping in my vehicle and having an experience, an adventure, exploring my world. I came here to play! Oh my goodness there is so much to do! White water rafting and bungee jumping and hiking up the side of a volcano just to peer over the rim...I want to swim with dolphins and experience the mystical nature of this planet for myself. I am made of this planet. I am this earth. In discovering what she offers, I discover my own nature.

Why not create opportunities to affirm life? I've been the walking dead for far too long.

Those of you who know me now- well, you might not believe I was the same person if you'd known me a few years ago. My motto was "Safety First!" I was afraid to drive, afraid to leave my home, afraid of EVERYTHING. Anything and everything could spin out of control in my mind as a fatality waiting to happen. I was so terrified of death that I became what I most feared. I was the opposite of life. I lived my life with tunnel vision with the single focus of survival.

Oh. How. Small.

Somehow I thought I could make my life safe and stable. I wanted security and constance.

As it turns out, though, change is the only constant. And you know, that was really not much fun to learn (but even less fun to deny). It's hard to let go of the illusion of security.

Turns out I'm not quite done with that lesson. I still get to discover who I'm not on a daily basis. I still have to let go of that which is not mine and never really was. That is not always easy.

I think that is part of why I feel so ready to embrace my more adventurous spirit.

About 10 years or so ago there was a flash-flood where we lived. We had two old-as-dirt cars that barely ran and were uninsured. Both cars were totaled in the flood.

It was late November and we had no holiday gifts for our small children. We were all safe though, and although we felt like rotten parents for a moment, the kids were totally okay with celebrating the holidays without gifts. I love kids.

A few days before Christmas I had just settled down with my 2 youngers for an afternoon nap when the doorbell rang. Frustrated at the interruption, I disentangled myself from the comfort of our daily human dogpile and opened the door.

There on my stoop were 2 huge black lawn bags. I looked down the walk in time to see a young lady making the mad dash to an old wood-paneled station wagon, jump in the passenger door and speed away.

I cautiously opened the top of one bag with a single finger, while ducking away from it as much as I could. The bag fell open to reveal beautiful, wrapped gifts with my childrens names on them, and loaves of poundcakes. The other bag was more of the same.

The frustration of the moment before fled and was replaced by deep humility and copious tears.

My kids were having Christmas, and I didn't even know who to thank.

I asked all my neighbors. They didn't know anything about it. I asked my daughter's charter/homeschool teacher, and she claimed ignorance. No one would take any credit.

It was the best Christmas ever.

I almost wonder if God was making sure I knew I was being taken care of even when it seemed like I wasn't....

When I was 5, my mom lost her job. She sat me down to tell me there was no Santa, and that I would not be getting any presents that year.

So what did I do? When my kindergarten teacher started talking about Santa to the class, I was so shocked that she was so old and didn't know that Santa was pretend, I raised my hand and told her.

There was no malice at all, and in fact I was quite shocked when she called me a liar and allowed all the other children to shout at me. She even made me stay after school for my transgression.

My mom came and explained the situation, and that year my principal's synogogue adopted my family and gave us the best Christmas ever, providing us with more presents than I had ever even dreamed of seeing.

I woke up this morning screaming. I had a bad dream.

To make a long story short, in my dream one of my children was kidnapped and the other two of them joined a cult and were brainwashed. My van and cell phone were stolen, and the police were no help, though they tried. I didn't have anyone to turn to.

I was alone. Stripped of everything that mattered. Letting go of what was never mine to begin with, but not by choice.

When my youngest turned his back on me in the dream, I threw myself on the ground like a little child, arms wide open as if hugging the sky, and I screamed. I didn't know what else to do so I just let my pain come out my mouth.

I felt utterly alone.

It seems so symbolic.