Emptying my Vessel

I don't know what to say. I seem to be going through a funny time. Almost introspective, except that I am not really pondering anything... I feel a strong resonance to Alice in Wonderland right now. Everything is new. Everything is different. I am finding my sea legs for this new journey. I had a dream last night that Sai Maa was in. She wanted to rest, and I wanted to take care of her and nurture her. I tucked her into bed, and went to take care of some things for her, but when I came back, I found her tending to several other women instead of resting herself. I knew what motivated her. She is a giver, a do-er, a nurturer, like me. I see this in my teacher too. I am beginning to understand the frustration it must be for other people who wish to nurture me, because I rarely allow it. I guess that is why it frustrates me to see them this way. It is my own reflection back at me. Okay, so the part of this dream that is haunting to me is that, just like in my real life right now, I didn't feel really connected from the heart. I mean, there was a great love there for Sai Maa and the other women who needed to be cared for, but no emotion, no overwhelming heart connection, even when we hugged. The love was coming from a place much greater than my human self, but it is a place I don't know how to FEEL connected to yet. It reminds me of when I went to Palm Springs to see Sai Maa. For the first couple of days, I didn't know how to attune myself to experience the shakti she offered. I felt the energetic movement in me, but in such a way that it could have been someone else's experience. That is how I've been feeling lately, like I am just observing the movement going on within me without any reaction or engagement. I feel this great connection to my soul as I have never felt before, and yet I have this sense of not being attuned to the level of vibration I need to be to experience what is there. I guess I have attachment to feeling a heart connection. Is that a bad thing? Is that holding me back from experiencing whatever IS there for me? I also feel like I have been releasing a lot of stuff. Like I can think of something suddenly from my past that brings me to my emotional knees, and I think, "I need to write about this later and explore it," and then just as suddenly as it came, it's gone and I can't even remember what it was I wanted to write about. I'm wondering if maybe this lack of feeling connected to anything right now is due to this releasing. Maybe I have to let go of more of this low vibration stuff before I can reach the level if vibration I need to be at to feel a connection there.