Help
Sign In
ego
July 2009 
Spiritual Bootcamp
Posted on Nov 12th, 2007
by 
Spiritual Liberation
Spiritual Liberation
So I'm wondering if my posts have become too intense, too detailed. I wish to share my experiences on my spiritual path, the ups and the downs, but am I doing more harm than good?
Foremost, I love to write and writing often helps me see what I could not see before, like what the deeper lessons and meanings are. Writing has been an amazing tool for my own spiritual transformation. I started by writing in journals about my experiences of abuse many years ago. I realized that when I wrote about them, the entry became an emotionally charged record and I could let go. If I look through those volumes of rage now - or even a month after I wrote any given entry, I could no longer remember it in my mind, my heart, my physiology. It was like I was downloading and erasing most of the traumas, cleaning my disk so to speak.
Now my writing is a an even greater tool for my conscious evolution. I use it to figure out spiritual lessons and also to create a record of my journey. It helps to look at where I've been and where I am now. I am with me everyday, so I don't always recognize the transformation. Go to the beginning of my blog a year and a half ago and see where I was. I thought I was doing great then - and I was! Better than I'd ever been before! - but look at where I've come to since then. The anger and rage and confusion are gone. The unworthiness is nearly non-existant in most areas. I've become so strong! Not that there is not a lifetime of work still ahead to become stronger, but every little thing doesn't spin me out anymore.
My life is so full of joy 95% + of the time. How many people can say that honestly?
Even when I am in the experience of pain in that other 5%, I am connected to a great love and a joy that is right there for me if I choose it. I don't always choose it. Sometimes I move into my old unconscious patterns and I create suffering for myself. Those pitfalls are mostly what I write about here. Maybe I should be more balanced.
I also hope that others who find these writings will feel some measure of support on their own spiritual path. It is not always easy! In fact, it is downright freaking HARD sometimes, and painful. Those are the ego parts.
But you know what? My spirit is way more stubborn than the ego. I can't quit. That would be suicide. I can see the cosmic stamp on my akashic record file for this lifetime if I gave up - MISSION ABORTED. Beep! Time's up. Mission failed.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life exactly, and I don't need to, but I know that giving up would be to lay down and die. That is where I was when I met my teacher. Laying down dying, quite literally. I was not fulfilling my purpose on this planet and I knew it, so I was checking out.
The way I see it I wasted too much time already, so now I wish to make up for it. I asked for spiritual bootcamp. I asked my teacher to do whatever it takes to move me beyond functioning from ego or being in a state of stagnation. And I was sincere in that, so he agreed. He told me it would be difficult and said also that it wasn't fair to ask for it then run away. He said that most often it is at the point when people run away that a huge breakthrough was just on the other side of that difficulty. I agreed not to run away when things became most difficult for me. And you know what? He was right. When things have been extraordinarily difficult for me have been the times when I experienced the biggest leaps in consciousness when I chose to be done with the pain and suffering.
And yes, the emotional and mental pain and suffering are a choice I made every time.
My teacher always, always, always gave me the tools I'd need at the beginning and yet I'd choose not to use them for however long. Sometimes months! My old patterns were much more comforting and less scary than the unknown (divine love). For awhile at least. And then the pain becomes unbearable because I knew the light and love that were there for me to reach out and take hold of.
From the first time I experienced the divine (what some call an 'awakening'), nothing less has been acceptible. To choose less for myself becomes an unbearable burdon. It is out of alignment with my higher self.
So my concern here is if I am doing more harm than good in writing honestly about my experiences regarding my teacher and discipline.
I never forget that I asked him to take me there and that he warned me it was a very difficult path and asked me if I was sure. I said yes, bring it on. And I say it over and over, as soon as I get through a difficult period I am itching for the next level of growth. I can see where it is taking me and the journey is exciting and passionate and extraordinary.
In truth, what I write is often my emotional perception as well. My teacher can speak to me very softly, but if the energy triggers me then it feels like yelling, so I say I got yelled at without even consciously realizing that he never raised his voice at all. I guess I should be more aware of that.
So am I serving in a positive way by sharing my journey of spiritual growth or am I hurting my teacher? I'd really like to know what the perception is out here.
All he has ever done is to be a presence of unconditional love for me. It is in this space that he holds for me that my life has completely transformed, that healing has ocurred on all levels, that I have discovered a life of joy and peace that I never thought possible.
So is it fun to be yelled at or disciplined? Of course not. But look where it has brought me. How many do you know who are blissful and joyous in there life consistently? Who do you know that experience miracles in their life so often as I have since knowing my teacher?
Most people are angry and sad and miserable and in pain. Most people numb themselves with a television instead of living. Or a computer. Or food. Anything but looking within. Anything that might help them forget their pain for a moment.
If I can be moved out of a pattern of pain with a moment or a day or a week of emotional discomfort at being called on my shit, then call me on my shit for Pete's sake. How bad is that compared to a lifetime (er, make that MANY lifetimes) of suffering in my own ignorance?
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly. ~Richard Bach
Love and peace to all. And please do let me know what you think if you feel to share.
Foremost, I love to write and writing often helps me see what I could not see before, like what the deeper lessons and meanings are. Writing has been an amazing tool for my own spiritual transformation. I started by writing in journals about my experiences of abuse many years ago. I realized that when I wrote about them, the entry became an emotionally charged record and I could let go. If I look through those volumes of rage now - or even a month after I wrote any given entry, I could no longer remember it in my mind, my heart, my physiology. It was like I was downloading and erasing most of the traumas, cleaning my disk so to speak.
Now my writing is a an even greater tool for my conscious evolution. I use it to figure out spiritual lessons and also to create a record of my journey. It helps to look at where I've been and where I am now. I am with me everyday, so I don't always recognize the transformation. Go to the beginning of my blog a year and a half ago and see where I was. I thought I was doing great then - and I was! Better than I'd ever been before! - but look at where I've come to since then. The anger and rage and confusion are gone. The unworthiness is nearly non-existant in most areas. I've become so strong! Not that there is not a lifetime of work still ahead to become stronger, but every little thing doesn't spin me out anymore.
My life is so full of joy 95% + of the time. How many people can say that honestly?
Even when I am in the experience of pain in that other 5%, I am connected to a great love and a joy that is right there for me if I choose it. I don't always choose it. Sometimes I move into my old unconscious patterns and I create suffering for myself. Those pitfalls are mostly what I write about here. Maybe I should be more balanced.
I also hope that others who find these writings will feel some measure of support on their own spiritual path. It is not always easy! In fact, it is downright freaking HARD sometimes, and painful. Those are the ego parts.
But you know what? My spirit is way more stubborn than the ego. I can't quit. That would be suicide. I can see the cosmic stamp on my akashic record file for this lifetime if I gave up - MISSION ABORTED. Beep! Time's up. Mission failed.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life exactly, and I don't need to, but I know that giving up would be to lay down and die. That is where I was when I met my teacher. Laying down dying, quite literally. I was not fulfilling my purpose on this planet and I knew it, so I was checking out.
The way I see it I wasted too much time already, so now I wish to make up for it. I asked for spiritual bootcamp. I asked my teacher to do whatever it takes to move me beyond functioning from ego or being in a state of stagnation. And I was sincere in that, so he agreed. He told me it would be difficult and said also that it wasn't fair to ask for it then run away. He said that most often it is at the point when people run away that a huge breakthrough was just on the other side of that difficulty. I agreed not to run away when things became most difficult for me. And you know what? He was right. When things have been extraordinarily difficult for me have been the times when I experienced the biggest leaps in consciousness when I chose to be done with the pain and suffering.
And yes, the emotional and mental pain and suffering are a choice I made every time.
My teacher always, always, always gave me the tools I'd need at the beginning and yet I'd choose not to use them for however long. Sometimes months! My old patterns were much more comforting and less scary than the unknown (divine love). For awhile at least. And then the pain becomes unbearable because I knew the light and love that were there for me to reach out and take hold of.
From the first time I experienced the divine (what some call an 'awakening'), nothing less has been acceptible. To choose less for myself becomes an unbearable burdon. It is out of alignment with my higher self.
So my concern here is if I am doing more harm than good in writing honestly about my experiences regarding my teacher and discipline.
I never forget that I asked him to take me there and that he warned me it was a very difficult path and asked me if I was sure. I said yes, bring it on. And I say it over and over, as soon as I get through a difficult period I am itching for the next level of growth. I can see where it is taking me and the journey is exciting and passionate and extraordinary.
In truth, what I write is often my emotional perception as well. My teacher can speak to me very softly, but if the energy triggers me then it feels like yelling, so I say I got yelled at without even consciously realizing that he never raised his voice at all. I guess I should be more aware of that.
So am I serving in a positive way by sharing my journey of spiritual growth or am I hurting my teacher? I'd really like to know what the perception is out here.
All he has ever done is to be a presence of unconditional love for me. It is in this space that he holds for me that my life has completely transformed, that healing has ocurred on all levels, that I have discovered a life of joy and peace that I never thought possible.
So is it fun to be yelled at or disciplined? Of course not. But look where it has brought me. How many do you know who are blissful and joyous in there life consistently? Who do you know that experience miracles in their life so often as I have since knowing my teacher?
Most people are angry and sad and miserable and in pain. Most people numb themselves with a television instead of living. Or a computer. Or food. Anything but looking within. Anything that might help them forget their pain for a moment.
If I can be moved out of a pattern of pain with a moment or a day or a week of emotional discomfort at being called on my shit, then call me on my shit for Pete's sake. How bad is that compared to a lifetime (er, make that MANY lifetimes) of suffering in my own ignorance?
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly. ~Richard Bach
Love and peace to all. And please do let me know what you think if you feel to share.
Access: Public
I've always thought you a capable and smart human that was on her choosen path of discovery. Transparent and determined…and if in need of help, willing to ask for it. I trust that you know what you are doing, your writing is clear and determined, and your teachers seem to be taking you where you want to go.
When I share my journey publically, I often think that people just do not understand. They just think I am suffering. My perception is not of suffering, just of leaving the norms of society. If I want to make progress, I have to treat it like it is serious. If I want world class spirituality, then I have to do what it takes. It is not a part time job! I do not want this life to be mediocre and dead. I too cannot quit my journey. I is lifelong and incessant.
Shani, my path is almost opposite than yours, being more in silence, but I sincerely believe we will both end up in the same place.
Many people have experienced teachers who were abusive and not really enlightened. The abuse sounds the same as what you write about. That is why people may question your perseverance. But if the outcome is helping you, then only you can judge for yourself.
Peace
Namaste' Dear One, I read many of your blogs. I gain from your sharing of your experience, Thank You. It is so good to hear you feel very good 95% of the time and That is a great indicator your heading in the right direction. Thank You for clarifying the “yelling” because I often wondered why you allowed yourself to be yelled at (seemed you were allowing disrespect and dishonor). Once self-discipline is activated (and done with full respect and honor) discipline (different from guidance or support) from another is not necessary, although natural consequences forever occur (which can come from another).
Much Love & Peace
BeLynn
Dearest Shani, I've read some of your blogs and see the hard work you are doing as inspirational to my own spiritual path. I applaud your willingness to dive into the bootcamp version and get your butt kicked forward. Accepting this path is very challenging and you are likely to get “yelled at”, but I'm glad that you clarified the “yelling” because while you have chosen bootcamp a spiritual teacher should be working with you from a center of love. As long as you feel the love and you are not working with someone on a power trip who builds you up only to degrade your efforts, then we can only respect your choice and support your efforts. Sometimes abuse is a prickly blanket of love, and while the blanket provides some warmth and comfort, there are still the prickles that constantly scratch and hurt you. If you are in a comforting blanket with prickles outside the blanket, then your reassurances of your process being from a place of love are easier to accept. I hope that makes sense.
As to your wondering about being too intense for this place… Zaadz is the perfect place to be sharing and opening up. Everyone I've encountered has been loving and supportive. Please, continue your open, honest, vulnerable sharing blogs. I've only just discovered them, but I can tell that you will inspire my spiritual path.
Bright Blessings ~Paula
The central question is : do you feel self-empowered when you share? Do you feel empowered and in the flow of Love with the choices you make? If you have chosen are you aware of why you are choosing words like 'bootcamp', 'my teacher', 'yelling'?
When you are happy, do you feel blessed with all events in your life? For we are wherever we are, because of…and not inspite of…what has happened in our life; what we have and are choosing to manifest. This was brought out very strongly to me today; when I was flowing into victim mode due to a “physical condition”, and was sharply brought up to this realization by a friend.
Shani,
I have appreciated your authentic blog posting very much. I do not have a teacher now, so my journey looks different than yours, but I did have one and I very much miss having someone call me on my shit. Seriously. I could initially perceive it as harsh, as you sometimes do, but I'd always come out on the other side seeing how she intentionally challenged my ego in ways that were necessary to my evolution at that time. Mirror mirror on the wall and all that.
I recognize myself in your sharings and feel blessed to be witness to your spiritual transformation. And you do write about your teacher's love far more often than anything else. It's clear you feel loved and safe enough to face your shadow fully and often. I envy you that sense of spiritual community, but I know my soul tribe is on their way to me–if not already in my life awaiting my opening–as I write these words.
There are not enough voices sharing the nitty gritty of evolution. People prefer writing safe “articles” from which they are somewhat removed personally instead of getting down and dirty with their shadow and suffering, as well as their blissful joys. I try to write with the same authenticity you do and find myself inspired often by your courage.
Blissings, April
Shani, I have benefitted so much from your writing, please do continue. Our paths definitely have some things in common, and I am learning from you. I agree with April about sharing the nitty-gritty–it is so helpful to read about how people overcome obstacles on their path. But I would also like to put in my two cents about the words “boot camp” and “yelling”. There is something telling me these words are ways that you distance yourself from your teacher and your experience of him, of not internalizing your experiences of him or not internalizing what he is trying to tell you, like “that difficult thing (yelling, boot camp) happened TO me, outside of me”, instead of “oh, this is a natural result of an action I took, part of the flow-interaction of life.” I'm not sure if I'm even understanding what I'm trying to say. I'm just trying to say, maybe there is a more helpful/integral way to view/understand his actions, to write about them. Like write from what his perspective of you might be, maybe? Like when you said you were laughing as he described your behavior in making mistakes preparing for personal sessions, you were seeing you from his perspective. You shifted right then into a oneness with him, no longer distancing yourself. In any case, I do encourage you to “keep writing!” in the words of Sai Maa. I've had such a great lesson yesterday/today about how beautiful the whole path is, not just the endpoint. Ken Wilber wrote a book about his wife's ordeal with terminal cancer, called Grace and Grit, and it's good to hear about both the grace and the grit.
OOOOH Shani, guess who??? It's Kelly. You don't seem to have a profile page so I had to resort to replying on your blog. Reading about your experience with Joey is amazing. I had my private call with him on Wednesday and he was just so super sweet. But I guess when it time to really get to the deep dark junk all that could change. Anyway I look forward to reading more later but I have to get to work so I will yak at you later. Just rememeber he loves you and he wouldn't do what he does if he didn't what to see you in your full potential and he knows you can do it. Much love and light Shani!!!
Thank you all so much for responding whether in public or private. Your insights are invaluable. You see so many things here that are perfect reflections of me. Your words inspire me. Thank you for being.
I love you all so much!