When will I feel worthy?

I have felt pretty withdrawn from many in my regular social circle lately. The more time I spend with spiritual matters, the less tolerance I have for made-up drama and small talk. I want to speak of important things- spirituality, how to help mankind, how to make the world a better place, what you think of god, if you think of god at all, if your lifestyle is in alignment with your principles, you  know? I don't care what's on the tv, or if you think  the fat girl should not be wearing a bikini at the public pool. She loves her body, good for her! That's all that needs to be said.

Speaking of bodies, I was actually talking with a dear friend at the public pool about being  overweight and why some women do feel good enough to come out in a bikini, while others of us won't even come out in a flowing one piece with a skirt attached.  And not just large women; thin women are not exempt from feeling too vulnerable in a bathingsuit. 

I was saying to her that I think ALL bodies are beautiful, but only felt that it was true so long as the body in question wasn't mine.

But I do think my body is beautiful and amazing, and I am so grateful for it. Beautiful  in a very different aesthetic way than say, a supermodel, but  amazing in the same way as everyone else. What a miracle the body is!

So why the stark terror at the prospect of wearing a swimming suit in my own backyard, let alone in public?

I don't know... The answer that comes to mind is fear of other people's judgement. I was raised in southern CA, where physical beauty appeared to be the only standard for value. At least that's how it often felt to me then.

What's underneath this fear of being judged? Fear of humiliation= Shame= Isolation= Loneliness= Unworthiness. Isn't that what it always comes back to for me, unworthiness?  Seems to be the root of my patterns.

So what is the worst case scenario? People will abandon me for not being perfect, and I will be lonely, which will reinforce by sense of unworthiness. But, oh, wait, if the people around me would treat  me that way, then I am already lonely because these relationships would prove to be false. Everything on top is trying to shield me from the deepest root of my personal dysfunction- the feeling of unworthiness.